I have a virus. A cold, basically. I think it's interesting that you can go to
Walgreens (pharmacy) and walk in and see a doctor or nurse practitioner if you have a cold and they can tell you, "You have a virus".
If only it was that simple with mental illness.
I haven't seen a doctor for psychiatric reasons since I got out of the hospital. For some reason the hospital didn't set up an appointment for me, which is something I'm pretty sure they were supposed to do. I went to see my old doctor at the mental health center one day a few weeks ago and, after I waited two hours, I found out that she had no time to see me. I haven't been able to get in to see the psychiatrist I had in the hospital because he's all booked up. So I haven't seen any psychiatrist in a month. Today the medical assistant from the mental health center called. I told him that I haven't been able to get an appointment with the doctor from the hospital and when I was at the mental health center a few weeks ago my old doctor said I should see that one from the hospital. Basically I don't think she wants to be my doctor anymore.
In the mean time I did see my therapist again - the one I was seeing a few months ago. She is at the office where the doctor from the hospital works. She's helpful to talk with and talked to me about practicing what she calls "radical self acceptance". She said that rather than berate myself for not being motivated or organized or cleaning my apartment,, that I should try to radically accept that this is who I am and I am not a bad person.
I really think she has a point, because basically every mental health professional or self help book you consult will tell you that you need to love yourself to be happy. I have trouble with the whole self-love thing. I especially have trouble with loving my body, which is something that I wish I could do as a feminist who celebrates Love Your Body Day every year, but I really do not love my overweight body. And that's okay. We live in a sick culture that objectifies women and teaches us to hate our selves and our bodies.
This fact was brought home to me late last night when I was flipping channels and came across s documentary program on "sex robots". There is, evidently, a freakish and blatantly misogynistic sub culture where men fantasize that they can have a female robot to have sex with, and use for their pleasure without having to deal with the robot having any human attributes like brain, or feelings, or, ss someone on the show stated himself, "the ability to say No"
The culture we live in is sick. We dehumanize women.. The dating websites objectify everyone - showing pictures before you get to know anything about the person. I'm honest on my profiles on these sites so I say I have "a few extra pounds' on the spot where you're supposed to say what your body type is. Hence few men contact me on these sites, which is the exact opposite of what used to happen in my 20's when I was thin and pretty and went on these sites, and every man on them emailed me.
Interesting, and it's hard to love your body and yourself when you feel like society as a whole and specific people in particular reject you because in this fat-shaming culture that is what people do to overweight folks.
I've been thinking of joining Weight Watchers since I really do want to lose weight. But at the same time, if I do that, it won't be to please man or get a date, it will be for my health and my own happiness.
On the auditory hallucination front lines, I'm doing pretty well with 100 mgs of Clozaril. At the moment, I still have the voices, but they're not as bad as they were a month ago. I'm finding it annoying to get bloodwork taken at a lab every week and pick up a new prescription every week (they only allow you one week worth of this med at a time) and it is not helping with the negative symptoms much but I do think it helps somewhat with the positive ones. Perhaps a higher dose will help the negative ones. I have hope.