Well, as you can see from my last post things are not going too well. However, today I went to the NAMI Pinellas annual picnic. I had the job of running the snow cone machine for three hours, and helping my friend Terry make cotton candy. We looked like Lucy and - is it Ethel? - in the I Love Lucy episode where they can't make the candy in the candy factory with the conveyer belt. Cotton candy machines go really fast! Neither one of us knew what we were doing at all. And it was kind of fun, at least for a few minutes. Terry's entire arm was covered in pink cotton candy, and my hands were blue and red from snow cone fluid. We managed to, I believe, totally destroy the table we were using because the liquid got all over it and stained it. It was an unfortunately white table. But a lot of people came and seemed to enjoy themselves. My friend Tracey was there with her partner, and their dogs. I talked to them for a few minutes, but when Tracey asked how things were going for me, I mostly just lied and acted like it wasn't too bad right now. She said something like, "I thought you might have someone here with you", as if I was going to have a date. I was like, "What?" because the idea that anyone could think I was in the mode to be dating someone is sort of hard to understand. I am like a walking corpse. I guess I just put on a good act for others.
Every year at the NAMI picnic they give out the Iris Awards, which are named after Vincent Van Gogh's painting of the Irises. I got one two years ago. This year my doctor got one, not the current doctor, but the one I had who I really liked who left. I had recommended him for the award, and so did another patient of his, who I know. He wasn't at the picnic, but I was glad he won the award. Other people who got the award were police officers who prevented suicides, and advocates in mental health.
Then I got home and had to face finishing my midterm. I just finally got it done. It's not really good. There is no way I will get an A, or probably even a B. But I think it will pass. And I guess that is all that really matters. I mean, it's not all that really matters, because in order to keep getting scholarships and stuff like that I need to get an A, but I can't get an A right now. My brain isn't working. It took me two days to do this midterm. And it's hardly done well enough to pass.
But I made myself do it.
And that is what counts.
I still feel like it would be easy to curl up in a ball on the floor and die right now, but I am trying to just get through this. Somehow I will get through. I might end up in the hospital, but I am going to survive.
Someone (one brave duck) asked in the comments if I could get a nurse. The thing is in the U.S., at least where I live, there are no nurses at the community mental health center or visiting nurse programs for people with mental illnesses. However, there is a program, which my friend Tracey works for where a person who will be like a "coach" will come to visit you at home. So I emailed her and told her that I was wondering if there was any room in there program for another person, because I kind of need some help.
So, I'll see what happens with that. I really, really need to clean my apartment. I am just totally, utterly overwhelmed by it.