I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed this evening. That’s the word I use to describe how I feel when I feel under pressure and everything starts becoming too much. I don’t know why I feel this way; often it is very normal every day things that weigh me down, and then it leads to a kind of anxiety. Even things that I usually enjoy doing, feel like burdens; like reading and writing blogs for example.
I know this blog is supposed to be about my experiences with Mr Man, but I often wonder how many of these problems that I experience now are a direct result of the trauma we have been through in the past.
For quite a few days now I’ve just been going back to bed in the day time, to avoid doing the things I have to do. I know that’s not ideal, but I suppose that’s my way of coping. I’m sure it’s all related to the big D, but I have to ask myself: “If other people can cope with life, why can’t I?” These are very normal things that I just don’t seem able to cope with, like putting my signature on a form and putting it back in the post, or just opening the post in the first place.
My counsellor said that it is because I have had to be in control for so long and take responsibility for everything in our home, that it has finally become too much. She offered to help by drawing up a “to do” list, which only increased my anxiety further. I know how to draw up a flamin’ “to do” list, but it doesn’t ease the pressure I feel surrounding doing these things.
I got very upset with her that day. It was shortly after brother B decided to kick brother C’s head in (literally), and I was experiencing anxiety relating to this as well. Not only was my counsellor excusing brother B by insisting that he must be mentally ill (?) but she also insisted that brother C was at fault for not defending himself (??). Needless to say, I haven’t seen her since.
Since then I finally received an appointment from the original counsellor that I was referred to. I was in a good mood that day, and when I’m happy I can’t even relate to my own depression. I can’t even remember what it felt like. It could have been the day before, and yet it feels like a million years ago. So I inadvertently convinced both of us that I don’t even need counselling at the moment.
Originally I was referred for counselling to help me manage and cope with my mood swings. I don’t feel like I even have mood swings any more, but you know why? Because I avoid everything that makes me feel unhappy or under pressure. (How can I go through life like this?) And that’s why I end up with a list of things that need doing, and feeling overwhelmed by it all. It seems like a lose/lose situation.
And the winter is coming, and I’m scared. But I feel better for getting some of that off my chest (I think).