I am feeling rather overwhelmed. During the past couple days, I have become extremely irritable, and feel quite angry about some things, particularly about things involving my mother, but usually, I do not get angry that often. The old suicidal thoughts have also returned. If I do not get hired for a job soon, I will not be able to pay my rent next month, and I will become homeless. This is a serious problem, and because I have been homeless more than once in the past, it is something that scares me a great deal, because I know what that kind of life is like, and I do not want to go through that again.
So the thought comes to my mind, wouldn't it be better to be dead than homeless? And I think, perhaps it would. I have had to live in motels, shelters, the back of my car, a rented room, an ALF, a group home, hospitals, hospitals, hospitals, and various tiny apartments, moving so often that I do not know most of the addresses of the places where I have lived, over the past ten years. I have been evicted while I was hospitalized, more than once, and lost most of my belongings in the process. And I have had periods where I attempted to live in my mother's house for a short time, which always resulted in her kicking me onto the street while I was psychotic, and had nowhere to go. On several occassions, I had to take degrading, horrible jobs in the adult entertainment industry just to get money to pay for a motel room or some other place to live in. Now, as I am overweight from my medication, I could not do that type of work, even if I needed to in order to survive. No one would hire me for that now.
Right now, I've been in my apartment for two years, and it's the longest I've ever lived in my own place. I do not wish to have to move again anytime soon. However, I can definitely not afford to stay here without a steady income from a job. This is looming over my head at all times, causing me to be in a constant state of panic, never able to really relax or feel comfortable.
I feel causes of my irritability piling up in my head, building a stack of things that I usually do not think about much, but which are bothering me right now, because I am in a very bothered state. Here are some of the issues causing me stress:
-My mother has, in the past two days, repeatedly broken into my email account, and changed the password so I could not access my main form of communication with other people. This brought up a lot of old feelings of anger towards my mother for other things that she has done and mistreatment she has bestowed upon me for the past 33 years of my life.
-The guy I used to think I would marry some day is not only not interested in me in that way at all, but does not seem to want to be my friend much more either, and just recently had his second child born with his girlfriend, who is a real part of his life - something I have never been and never will be.
-I have sent out dozens upon dozens of resumes and job applications, only to be completely ignored by most of the people I have sent them to. The people who have interviewed me all chose to hire a different candidate for the job.
-I feel completely overwhelmed by the mess in my apartment, and have given up, completely, on trying to clean it, so it is in a state that is humiliating, shameful, and extremely depressing to live in.
-I am overweight, and cannot seem to lose weight, which causes me to despise myself, not only because I have always thought I was overweight, but because other people keep mentioning to me how I should do this or that to lose weight, and how I've gained a lot of weight, and my ex-boyfriend told me repeatedly for two years that I had become fat and unattractive, even while he was sleeping in the same bed as me.
-I don't think I will ever get through college.
-Everyone in my family has addiction or psychiatric problems.
-I don't have enough close friends. I am not talented at making friends. I feel quite isolated and lonely.
I guess that's enough of a list for now. I apologize that this is a rather depressing post, which might sound like some type of whining, but sometimes we all need to vent. That was, actually, the original reason I started this blog a few years ago. It sometimes helps me to write out the things that are occuring in the recesses of my mind. Thanks for listening.