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My body and how it betrays me

Posted Oct 23 2013 12:00am
The weight issue has been getting to me a lot lately. I mentioned previously some internet/phone romance with a guy I hadn't met yet who lives a couple hours from me. I won't meet him because of my weight. I can't stand my weight.

I have been looking at old pictures of myself on Facebook, pictures when I was skinny, and it wasn't that many years ago at all. It was just about six years ago. I was not obese then. I got this way from the meds and whatever is wrong with my metabolism.

I swear I don't overeat all the time.. I eat like the average vegetarian person who my like carbs too much. I don't stuff myself all the time. But I gained ONE HUNDERD THIRTY FIVE pounds in the past few years. THAT is a lot of weight. It's  too much weight to hide. It's too much weight to call "curvy", or "big and beautiful", or "a few extra pounds". It's fat. It's obesity. And as a recovered anorexic, it kills me. It makes me sick. It disgusts me. Perhaps this is the reason I sometimes don't recognize myself in the mirror. I despise myself when I look at myself.

I know that there are things I can try that I haven't tried, like Weight Watchers. There are the drugs you can take like Phentermine which gave me cardiac problems when I did take it (and I also lost 50 pounds on it which were quickly regained). I know I could exercise regularly if I pushed myself to do it again, and I haven't done that in a while. I know this much of the situation is my fault. For getting too apathetic, for withdrawing too much into my mental world, for spending too much time thinking about my CIA missions and secret special op conversations and the second Holocaust, and not enough time going to the gym. It's so bad that I didn't even realized my gym had closed down for months while they continued to bill my bank account for the membership fee even though the place is gone.

And then there is that other problem. Money. I don't have the money to pay a gym right now. I don't have the money for a lot of healthier foods. I don't have the money for diet pills either. I don't have money for anything. So it is getting stressful, having to use a credit card to buy food, and knowing that the card will reach its limit soon like the other ones. I want to be free of debt, which I could have been if I had stayed in school this semester and gotten a student loan again, but I couldn't do that this time.

I'm frustrated by my weight, and it reminds me of the frustration I feel with my life in general, my lack of upward mobility, my stagnant position in the universe. Stasis. Sylvia Plath wrote a good poem about stasis in darkness. I want to be the person who has too much fun going on in her life to think of lines from Sylvia Plath poems she read 20 years ago. I want to be the person who can finish her college degree in less than 20 years. I want to be the person who is thin enough not to worry about people calling her fat or thinking she's a lazy sloth. I want to be energetic, lively, and healthy, which I'm not.

Underneath all this lies the health problems I have had half my life. I was diagnosed with
Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Orthostatic Hypotension/ Dysautonomia, and then later Sjogren's Syndrome and possible Lupus over the years, at the same time as I was developing Schizophrenia. I am not healthy physically or mentally. I am a little broken. I can manage ok if I don't over-exert myselbut any exercise, anything that affects the orthostatic intolerance such as taking a hot shower, can throw me for a loop. My blood pressure drops when it should rise. It isn't normal, and I grew tired many years ago of trying to find doctors near wherever I was living who understood it. There is this illness called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome - POTS - which is likely what lies \beneath my Sjogren's Syndrome - but most doctors have never hears of it and don't know how to find it even when you have all the symptoms.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my family members' penchants for calling me one is the reason I never talk about all this stuff with anyone.

I got tired years ago of hearing "it's all in your head". It was never all in my head. And then I got the label of Schizophrenia, and the nail was in the "it's all in your head" coffin forever. There are questions I have about my health which will never be answered. Somewhere, someone probably knows what would make me healthy again, but I have no idea how I would ever find that elusive elixir, wherever it may be. So I'll keep trying, trudging along and doing my best. That's really all I can do.
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