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life sucks

Posted Jan 13 2013 12:00am
I am not doing well.

This should come as no surprise, considering I have been mentioning this here for a while now.

But it got worse.

The disorganization got worse. The problems with my whole life got worse. Arriving late to work because I can't manage my busy schedule with college back in session. Exhausted and having a total lack of motivation. The negative symptoms seem to be the problem, but as I told my doctor, I can't tell the difference in times like this between the negative symptoms of psychosis or the depression. So I don't really know exactly what the problem is. She asked me if I'd been crying and wishing I was dead. I said, no, I'd been not crying and staring at the walls wishing nothing. She said that it was probably negative symptoms of psychosis.

At the same time she's taking me off one of my antipsychotics. I've been asking to be taken off Risperdal Consta for years. I don't like the fact that I'm disgustingly obese from the injections, and I long to be thin and attractive again in this lifetime. My endocrinologist told me to my face that I will never lose the weight if I keep taking Risperdal injections. It is this drug that put the weight on me. So I am finally going off it now. I will get a decreased dosage Monday. In two weeks, I will get an even lower dosage. Usually, I take the highest dosage it comes in, 50 mgs.

I'm not entirely sure this is a prime time to be going off one of my antipsychotics. I've been doing a lot of lying down and staring at the walls and doing nothing. I can't seem to shake this off. But I'll still be taking Latuda at the highest dose and a small dose of Navane.

 My New Zealand friend/or whatever he is who I stupidly continued to be in love with doesn't love me and has made it really obvious he wants nothing to do with me. I don't even know what that is about for sure but it is most likely related to me being overweight, as that is most often why guys end up finding me unattractive. It could also be some other issues. I do not know. I just know that it hurts when the one person you want to talk to suddenly decides they don't want to talk to you at all and then hangs up the phone on you when you call them.

I'm going through PMS right now, which is partly why I'm extremely depressed at this moment, but I have to say everything seems very bleak and my life does not seem worth living. I'm not going to kill myself, but I wouldn't mind being run over by a truck. I feel like I have no reason to go on, nothing to really live for, nothing to really look forward to. I'm going to be 38 this month. I'll never be married or have a child. I'll probably never have a full-time career. I'll probably never own a house. What is really the point? I'll probably be overweight and ugly and alone the rest of my life.

I guess it is good that I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday.

I'm taking two classes. For one of them I have to read six books. There's no way I can do that, so it's not like I'm going to actually do it. When the professor was reading off the syllabus to the class and he got to the section on students with disabilities and if you need accomodations what you are supposed to do, he said, "We usually don't have any wacko students in this class, but anyway..." I was rather insulted by that to say the least, considering I am one of those "wacko students".

One thing to look forward to is I got tickets to see Natalie Merchant this next weekend, because my friend's birthday was a few days ago, and my birthday is in a couple weeks. I don't go to many concerts ever. That will be something nice to do. But right now nothing seems worth looking forward to. Nothing seems worth doing. Nothing seems worth getting out of bed at all. In fact, nothing seems worth getting up off the floor, where I often find myself lying and staring at the wall.

I eat only fast food and nothing else. I don't go grocery shopping anymore. Obviously this means I don't cook. Including, I no longer microwave food. I eat fast food. Or I just don't eat. Or I eat some leftover fast food. Basically I am living in my bed. This is no way to exist. I really need help of some kind. I mean, not a hospital, but something. I wish Florida had those respite centers that some places have where you can go and stay for a few days to avoid ending up in a hospital. I would go to one of those if I lived in a place that had one of those. But Florida doesn't have any.

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