Today in one of the groups in my partial hospitalization program we were asked to look at a list of words and check off which ones we related to our illness. One of mine, which I shared, was "inadequate". I think I have ALWAYS felt inadequate, all my life. I actually don't remember ever not feeling this way. I think I can give my parents some of the credit for that. I was never good enough for my mom or my dad. But childhood was a long time ago, and it's not my parents' fault anymore. I talked to the group about feeling inadequate because I don't have a Masters Degree, because I didn't go to Smith College when I had the chance, because I'm not successful like my younger cousins, because I need help to clean my apartment....
I struggle a lot with feeling inadequate, and it isn't useful to feel this way. I remember, like it was yesterday, when I carved "I Hate Me" into my arm with a kitchen knife (I was 16 then). I get the thought a lot lately that I wish my suicide attempts had worked. I don't want to die, butt I don't want to be a living loser either.
I always want to be so much more than what I am.
I guess I need to work on this.
I have to force myself to believe I don't need a graduate degree or a husband or a house or a new car or an outgoing personality or a full time career to be adequate. I don't have to be who my dad wishes I was, or who my mom wishes I was, or who I wish I was, or who I know I could be without this illness......all I really can do is try to improve myself every day and not berate myself when I prove again to be an imperfect failure. I have to stop thinking I'm just a failure. I try to accomplish things. I do put forth effort. I guess that counts for something.