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I will not give up.

Posted Aug 18 2013 12:00am
I will not lie down to die.
I will not let the delusions rule my life.
I will not give up on college.
I will not give up my job.
I will not go into a catatonic state.
I will not go into the hospital and lose my job for it.

I will not kill myself.

I will breathe.
I will write.
I will talk to people on the phone.
I will go to work.
I will take a shower tomorrow.
I will feed my cats.
I will change their litter box.
I will continue to read the book Brain on Fire, because I think it might have the answers to what is really wrong with my brain.
I will get an appointment with my psychiatrist as soon as possible to explain that it is mandatory I get tested for this anti NMDA receptor encephalitis.

I will not lie down to die.

I will not listen to voices which are not real.

I will not be paranoid about the police coming to get me.

I will remind myself I am not working for the CIA. I will remind myself that at my job I am not being questioned about government secrets, or giving commands, or being tested as a government agent, by everybody who calls. I work in a call center. For a college. Not the CIA. I will continue to remind myself of this, all day, every day, for as long as it takes. It's been five years so far, at this job.

I will not lie down and die.

I will not buy a gun to shoot myself. I will not drive over a bridge. I will not jump off a bridge. I will not hang myself. I will not overdose on pills. I will not drive my car into a tree. I will not slice my wrists.

I will not cut myself with razor blades to eliminate the angst.

I will not harm myself.

I will not lie down and die.

I am not a quitter. I will not give up. I will not give up my life. I will fight for it.

Fuck you, thoughts of suicide. Fuck you, urges to cut up my body with razors. Fuck you, voices. Fuck you.

I will not lie down and die.
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