Before this semester started, a friend of mine who was my professor years ago sent me a clip from Youtube to this scene from "The Edge". I have never seen that movie, and since I'm a vegetarian and don't believe in killing animals, unless they are eating you alive or perhaps if you are starving to death, I probably wouldn't want to watch that movie. But I liked this scene and the point of it stuck with me today, as I was thinking,"kill the bear", at school. I took both of my tests, which I thought I was going to fail, today. The reason I did this was, as I mentioned before, I would be getting into a terrible quagmire with financial aid if I withdrew again and I know that I would get extremely depressed if I withdrew. So I told myself, whether or not I failed them, I was going to take these damn tests.
I got A's on both my tests. This was very surprising to me! In the one class, the professor had stated nobody could pass the test without reading the textbook. I did not read any of the chapters because every time I tried, my brain refused to focus on it. But I did fine. Since I had told her a couple of days ago that I was going to withdraw rather than fail her class, and then I changed my mind and took this test anyway this morning (in the disabilities office), my professor asked me if I got her email today when I got to class. I said no, I hadn't been on email today. She smiled and said, "You did fine". I assumed this meant I got a C on the test. At the end of the class, when she handed us our tests she asked me if I was surprised and I really was quite surprised. After that I decided to go ahead and take the other test that she had allowed me to put off, and I did fine with that one too.
I am glad I didn't withdraw now. This is not easy, by any means, right now. I mean, life in general is not easy for me right now. But if I gave up on everything, then it would be worse. Sometimes you have to tell yourself you are going to kill the bear.