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Posted Aug 25 2008 6:58pm
Firstly, I'd like to thank the people who responded to my last (and rather depressing) post here. I honestly did not think a single person was reading this blog anymore, but since you are, I'll write again.

I want to try to explain something about the problems my brain has in a manner that might be comprehensible to the average person (though I do think the comments here are mostly from people perhaps more intelligent than the average person is), because I've never quite been able to do that, to explain it, even to my family or to doctors or anyone at all, through this whole ordeal of dealing with the brain in my head.

Because of time limitations, what I'll put here for now was an email I sent to an online friend of 8 or 9 years the other day, because I wanted to test out my ability to write a description as well as see what his response would be. But he did not respond yet. So I'll try here where people tend to write their insights and reactions sometimes in a manner I don't think most people I know would take the time to do.

Just as a clarification though, please understand that what I have are auditory hallucinations (for which I could write a better description sometime), and delusional thoughts, but not visual hallucinations. I found writing about the visual far more simple to explain, so here is a simplified explanation. I apologize if this sounds redundant, since, if you've read much of this blog, I've already explained some of this in greater detail, but most browsing folks would not have read those explanations.

So here is an attempt at a brief description of what the hallucinations and delusional thoughts of schizophrenia feel like:

Say you walk into a Burger King you go to a lot, or some other fast food establishment you are familiar with since they're all basically the same, and you notice that there is one table that is new, that is unlike anything you've ever seen in any other fast food place because it's glass and round and has room for six people, there's maybe a fancy fixture for lighting above it, the tables are lovely hard wood, polished, and it's just sitting there (and you're not in New York or some other city where this might actually happen).

Ok so, you look at this and you're kind of surprised but at the same time you notice something really odd. The people in the place are walking right through that table. You notice that they don't have to walk around it and you realize that it's there but somehow it's not there. These people aren't bumping into anything and yelling. Then you say to somebody, "You see that new table there?" And they say, "No, I don't see anything". And you point to it and ask another person because you're obviously looking right at an object that is there, and you just want to make sure that you're not crazy and hallucinating. The other person doesn't see it either.

You still see it. Then you notice something even more strange. The table has a reason for being there directly related to you. See, today you noticed a lot of people wearing the color yellow, which is a color you hate. Why do you hate yellow? Well, for the same reason you hate stars on clothng. They remind you of the Star of David people had to wear during the Holocaust.

Why do you care about the Holocaust? Because people have told you that you are a Jew, every day, several times a day, for about three years. You are not a Jew, but they call you one anyway.

At another point and sometimes even now you were convinced something supernatural was happening and you were also channeling Anne Frank. At other times you thought you were Jesus Christ. They were, of course, both Jews who met an unpleasant fate. You are sure, even though you never tell anyone this, that you are headed for some similar horrendous form of being murdered. You are also pretty sure that the world wants you to suffer, because, of course, you are a Jew, at least according to them.

The reason this all matters now is that there are yellow placemats with stars on them on the glass table in the middle of Burger King.

So you start to think.

You know, deep down, that you're not a Jew, that you're not channeling anybody and that nobody is realling calling you a Jew or telling you to die. Yet you know, at the same time, that all of this IS true, and you still hear it every day of your life. (Imagine now how hard it is to smile and hold conversations with people after you hear them say you're a Jew and you're going to die and you have to pretend you didn't hear it).

So you think, maybe the table is there but not really there like this other stuff. You walk over and touch the table. You sit at the table. This damn table is real. You are now feeling anxious and thinking that if you have to be crazy enough to see and hear and touch something not real, maybe you'd be better off dead.

You look around you and nobody seems to see the table. You say to the person you're with. Look, it's this table I'm sitting at here, this is what I meant. Obviously they must see it now.

They don't see it.

They tell you you seem to need more medication. They don't want to be around you now. They're a little bit afrraid of you now. They'd like to send you to a hospital now. They don't know what to say to you, and you having just blown your cover as a person with Schizophrenia disguisng her/himself as normal, are really trying to cover up again. You laugh. You say, hey I was just joking, I know there's nothing hear. Meanwhile, you're sitting there, touching this table, and it's real as anything to you. But you know that nobody else wants to say it is real (get that, Isreal), and they want you to cover it up too, because there's a secret reason as to why they are pretending it's not there.

Alternately, you know it might not be there at all.

You don't really feel like eating a cheeseburger now.

You want to leave. You want to go hide in your bed under blankets and think of ways to die. You want a gun to shoot yourself and end this insanity and misery immediately. You want to avoid the concentration camp everybody says you're going to end up in (you know, for sure, that this is real, you will end up there).

Seems like a good idea to shoot yourself now. You go to a gun store, you think about buying anoither 357 magnum to shoot yourself with before anybody can stop you. You don't buy the gun because, honestly, you don't really want to die all the time, not really.

You leave, put your fake smile back on, paste it to your face.

What to do now? You're already on enough medications to kill an elephant. Why bother with them anymore? After all, it's still possible that there's not any reason for you to need medications since, really, you don't imagine anything, and really, it's there but people just pretend it's not, and really, you know the truth.

At the same time you know you need medication because without it you felt more crazy than this, without it at all you would have thrown one of the chairs at the table against a wall and screamed like a banshee and tried to kill yourself, probably.

They say it's improvement when you know that what you know is not really true so you cannot really know it.

This might very well be improvement, but this is no way to have to live the rest of your life.

People with Schizophrenia kill themselves more often when they know that they're sick than when they are just too crazy to know it at all.

That's it.
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