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everything seemed to be sort of okay....

Posted Nov 14 2012 12:00am
Last night, things went really well when I spoke to the NAMI Pinellas Family to Family class, where the people were really kind and very receptive. I got lots of hugs from them after I told my story, and they said things like, "You are amazing. I'm so glad you're still alive. Thank you for coming to tell us your story!" and "You are beautiful". It was really heart-warming, especially since, in my own family, there is nobody who would ever take the time to sit through a 12 week course on mental illness in order to be a better support person to me, which is what those people are doing for their family members.

There was one mishap, in that I locked my keys in my car, right before it was time to do my speech, so I had to call AAA, and have a locksmith break the car open. But no big deal.

And  then there is the love story saga. You see, I have totally fallen in love with this New Zealander. I know how ridiculous it sounds. "You've never met him!". I know. He's never met me. I know. It all sounds really silly. But he is really sweet, and kind, and funny, very funny, and smart, and interesting, and compassionate, and most importantly we relate on the level of both having lived with Schizoaffective Disorder for many years, and with being misunderstood by other people for having it.

But now, apparently, he's not talking to me. I don't know how long this is going to last; so far it's been about 36 hours. Before that we were talking several times a day on email and texts, if not on the phone. The phone calls are extremely expensive, and I simply can't afford to keep paying for that, so I had to tell him I couldn't call again right away. And then I started figuring out stuff with my bank account, and my college schedule, and my courses that I have to finish to graduate, and I really realized - there is no way I can afford to pay for the rest of my college degree. I simply lack the funds.

So this is EXTREMELY disheartening right now. And on top of that, if I can't afford to finish college, how can I afford to go to New Zealand, to see this soulmate who found me through my blog?

The only thing I can do is take out another loan, but I'm already in a lot of debt, so that wouldn't be wise at all. I would do it though, because I really wanted to do it. I really wanted to go there, and to see New Zealand, to travel around the world, and to meet him in person, and to hold his hand and see him smile, and give him a kiss, and I really wanted to have that whole experience of being around somebody that I was really crazy about (I hate the word "crazy"), but then......what happens when I have to go home?? What happens when I have to get back on a plane and realize that I'll probably never see NZ again?

I'm pretty upset over all this. It's all extremely disappointing and disheartening, and I lost my Prozac, so I am depressed anyway, and things are just looking downhill right now. I feel very alone. And I think I'm always going to be completely, utterly alone.

My heart hurts.
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