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dumb numb hum drum

Posted Dec 20 2012 12:00am
I have been in a depressed state lately. This is probably somehow related to my failure to get my Topomax refilled, and the fact I ran out of it sometime last week.

I this this fact combined with the end of the semester at school, and the heinous killings in CT that are constantly on the news every day all the time, and the holidays coming up which are always a time of stress, all combined has led me to feel rather down.

It could be worse. I probably did okay in both my classes. I don't know what my grade is in the law class I took, but my grade in Spanish should be an "A" because I did pretty well in there; it was easy. You just have to memorize a lot right before a test.  That seems to be the key. I also think my professor had emotional problems that led her to be an easy professor to have for Spanish, so I am taking a second Spanish class with the same disturbed professor next semester. Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right? I am 37, and this is not the prime age to learn a foreign language.

I will be 38 next month. My birthday always, always depresses the hell out of me. I feel like a failure for every year I didn't get a Master's Degree, didn't work full time, didn't own a house, didn't get married, didn't have a baby, didn't write a book, didn't travel the world, and didn't do a zillion other things I wanted to do. Actually, I never cared that much about getting married. But the older I get, the more obvious it is that I'm never getting married. This fact is, in itself, depressing. More depressing is not having true love. I thought I had that a couple months ago, but it apparently was a fleeting thing that maybe wasn't real. At least not to the other person. So that doesn't really count.

I feel really alone sometimes. And it seems like it will always be this way, like I will always be really alone. And it seems like nobody is there who would understand that. 

A couple months ago I thought I was in love with someone who was also in love with me, and I thought I was going to take all the money I could come up with and travel to the ends of the earth to see him and it would somehow work out. It was unrealistic and he didn't really love me at all. We had never met. So now there is nothing really exciting to look forward to, nothing to think of as a great thing for the future. There is no traveling anywhere. because I don't have enough money anyway to do that.

And that's life. Tomorrow I need to do laundry.
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