It occurred to me today that I should let you know how much I resent you for being the parasite that you are in my brain. I was actually pissed off about my mom having read my blog and berating me for what is written on it. But I realized, upon further reflection, that the root causes of this disagreement with my mother was, actually, YOU.
I hate you. It's not good for people to hate anything, but that fact doesn't mean I don't hate you. I really hate you a great deal.
I hate you because you stole my twenties from me. You took what were supposed to be the best years of my life and turned them into a horror show. I hate you for that.
I resent you, and resentment isn't healthy, but I do resent you anyway. I resent the stupid crap I have to go through on a daily basis to deal with YOU. I resent the pills I have to take. I resent the fat on my body that came from taking the pills. I resent the nasty pharmacist who thinks I'm a drug seeker when I go to get Clozaril refilled. I resent having to take Clozaril, knowing what it could do to my body, and I resent going to get blood work every week which is a pain in the ass, and I resent all of the other antipsychotics I have ever taken for not being effective enough to deal with you permanently.
I resent you for forcing me to go to the hospital and miss my friend's wedding and the Florida NOW conference.
I resent you for taking other friends away from me because they were scared of YOU.
I resent you for making my family ashamed to call me one of their own.
I resent you for the fact that I hate myself too much - thanks to you - to date anyone or to make close friends.
I resent you for making my thinking so disorganized I can't remember things and can't keep my apartment clean, and don't keep up with daily hygiene like I should.
I resent you for killing people because they can't fight you off and for shortening our life spans because you ruin our lives.
I resent you for every time I was homeless and for every day I couldn't get myself out of bed, and for every voice that has ever terrified me at any time in my life. You suck. You and your voices can kiss my ass.
I resent the hell out of you, Schizoaffective Disorder. You are my enemy. I have no choice but to battle you each day. But I know that, like any parasite, you are something I have to live with until there is a cure.
So I am used to you now.
I am used to the way you play tricks on me and the ways you disturb me. I'm used to you, because you are stuck inside me and I have no magic elixir to make you go away. Don't get confused though. I might be used to you but I still hate your guts. I despise you. I don't despise myself anymore most of the time. I spent enough wasted years on that. But you, damned disease, I do despise. I will not let you overcome me, no matter what happens or how hard you try.
Newsflash, I am not giving up. I don't care if you screw up my ability to think and read. I will still get through college somehow, and you. you pathetic cretin will not stop me.
I don't care if you put up walls between me and the rest of humanity. I will get through those walls. I will find reality, and I will squash you like an ugly roach that needs to be killed.
I resent you for being the cross that I have to bear. I resent you for not going away. I resent you for tormenting me.
But, I promise you this. You will not conquer me. You will never win. I hate you too much to let you do that.