crying in another goddamn library cubicle at another college another year of my life
Posted Mar 18 2013 12:00am
I think the one saving grace of my grandfather's dementia as that he doesn't know he repeats himself every five minutes.
Insight gives me a different situation. I am keenly aware of precisely how ill I am. And I am powerless to stop it from getting worse, or from never just getting better.
I take copious pills, every day, I am a compliant patient. When my therapists quit, I find new therapists. I tell the doctor in detail when I am psychotic and exactly how psychotic I am.
But that's the thing; I'm still psychotic. Years, and years of mental health treatment, and I am still the same girl today who I was in 2004, because today was a bad day, and I went backwards.
I am at the point of almost withdrawing from college, but I don't want to because I refuse to be a quitter. I refuse to listen to my family talk about what a failure I am again. I refuse to let everybody down who thinks that I can do so many, many things I simply cannot do. I won't give up. Retreat to a hospital? FOR WHAT? So they can mess with the meds all over again, knowing nothing of my history and treating me like I'm some novice at this??!!
Today I sat in a library cubicle and cried, and sobbed, and I can't tell you how many times I've done that in my college career. Too many times to count.
My professor was talking about the Holocaust and me being a Manchurian Candidate, and my history in Virginia.