Thank you to the people who commented on my last post. I thought I should mention my friends since, in my last post, it sounds like I don't have any.
This weekend I spent time with four friends: Linda, Kathy, Kristyn, and Mary. I went out to eat, went to a movie and went shopping with them.
The weird thing about loneliness is that you can feel lonely even when you're not alone. I think that what I mean by loneliness is the absence of a partner in life. I have friends, but it's not quite the same thing as having someone who you go through life with.
My grandmother passed away in May of last year. She and my grandfather were married for 60 years. They had 7 kids and 25 grandkids, and a bunch of great grandkids. The trajectory of my life is a lot different from theirs. I will never be married for 60 years. And that's okay, because I don't really care to be married that much. Yet, there is this feeling of an absence of some kind of life partner that I have, which I call loneliness.
I found this book on people who live solitary lives once at Barnes and Noble; it was fascinating. It talked about monks and other people who chose to live totally alone, away from society. The book put forth the idea that this wasn't a total abnormal choice to make - to live alone - but rather a logical one.
I've spent my whole life alone. I mean that I haven't had a lot of close friends or close romantic relationships, and even when I had close friends, I felt like I was alone anyway. I think this is because around people I always feel like I am putting on an act, to appear "normal". And it gets tiring, and eventually you don't want to bother with the act anymore.
Anyway, I'm not sure this post will make sense to anyone, so I will end it soon. I just wanted to say that I am doing things to combat the loneliness by being around friends, but it doesn't really change the feeling of being alone in the world.
Today I was getting a manicure and the woman doing my nails told me to go to a church and join a singles group because I should have a husband by now, and this was really amusing since I don't go near churches. As my friend Kristyn said, "I can't really see that working out too well".
But the manicurist saying that I should have someone in my life was just one of a zillion examples of where people assume that you have something wrong with you because you're alone. And I guess what a person should do if they're alone is try to enjoy being alone and not wish that things were somehow different. I do that a lot - enjoy solitude. It's just that sometimes I wish I didn't have to go through everything by myself.