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barely functioning

Posted Mar 05 2013 12:00am
I think the only thing keeping me out of the hospital is that my apartment is clean. You see, I'm not really able to do basic things. I don't know when was the last time I shaved my legs. That's gross to me. But it's a fact. Yet, since I've hired my friend to clean for me, my apartment is clean, so there is not the overwhelming evidence that I'm not functioning all around me all the time.

Sunday we did about 39999 loads of laundry. We loaded up my entire car, the trunk, the backseat, every area of the car with space, and filled it with clothes, towels, sheets, blankets. We went to the Laundromat and washed and dried and folded all of it. If I didn't have my friend to help me, I would never have done this. I couldn't. It was an overwhelming task that was about four months in the making.

But we got it done, and then she cleaned my apartment, and I paid her and took her home, and that was that. Something good was done, and my friend was nice to hang out with for a while too.

But then......there is the issue of school. I got a D on my midterm grade for Southern Politics. This really sucks. I can't really describe how much this sucks, but it really, really, is very bad. The professor told me I might as well drop the course but I refuse to drop the course due to the negative repercussions that would have, so I am going to stick it out and try to get my grade up somehow, even though I know this will be nearly impossible.

In the meantime, my so-called good friend in New Zealand has apparently, totally abandoned me once and for all. I haven't heard from him in a month, and he doesn't respond to me, or try to contact me at all. I suspect he is romantically involved with his "ex" girlfriend again who he lives with already anyway, and doesn't want to tell me this, or else he just decided to move on and forget our long distance friendship and our talks of hopes for "something more" and leave me in the dust. That's nice.

I'm spending a lot of time staring at walls. Today in the library at my university while I was hiding out because I was supposed to be doing work I couldn't do, I sat and stared at the wall. In class I stare at the clock and wait for class to be over. The professor's lectures do not compute in my head, and I can't make them compute.

It took me 20 years to get this far in college, 20 years, and I might not graduate at this rate.
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