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Back to the place of the disordered senses.....the hospital

Posted Apr 10 2013 12:00am
Wait Mister. Which way is home?

They turned the light out

and the dark is moving in the corner.

There are no sign posts in this room,

four ladies, over eighty,

in diapers every one of them.

La la la, Oh music swims back to me

and I can feel the tune they played

the night they left me

in this private institution on a hill.

-From "Music Swims Back to Me", Anne Sexton

So I spent about three weeks in the hospital. A pretty good hospital. They've rearranged my med regimen a lot, and I don't feel like I'm getting any better yet.

Right now I'm in a partial hospitalization program, and I go to my job each day after leaving the hospital. My boss has been nice about not firing me or anything.I took off for two and half weeks and then had to get my schedule completely changed to accomodate the hospital program. I'm pretty sure everybody in my workplace now knows I was in a psych hospital, but oh well. People are nosy.

A few things have been gained from my hospital time
1. I learned how to play Yahtzee - a game that my grandmother who passed away last year used to love, so I got to thinking about her more by playing that in recreation therapy.

2. I was told by multiple staff people that I have great insight and I'm intelligent. In other words, there should be some hope for me to pull myself out of this rut, and I guess it helps to hear that.

3. I started getting up early in the morning and going to bed at a reasonable time of night. In the hospital I would be up all night though. Now, I sleep for a few hours.

4. The dreaded Clozaril I never wanted to have to take is now flowing through my veins and it hasn't killed me yet.

5. Don't try to escape a mental hospital in your car without having your car keys on you. Also, I would never be a good bank robber, according to my dad. The voices told me to escape but they didn't give detailed instructions on how to do so. Therefore I only made it to the parking lot.

6. After not being hospitalized for five years, I was hospitalized and it wasn't the end of the world.

7. I don't know when I'm ever going to finish college, but it's not really in my power to control that.

8. Today I was told that it was not "because I was psychotic" that I was sexually assaulted years ago.

9. The auditory hallucinations may never go away.

I missed my friend's wedding by being in the hospital. I had really wanted to be there for that. I missed Easter and my dad's birthday too. I missed my cats, mostly. And they missed me. But now I'm partially home again, so I guess that's good. I could have stayed inpatient longer, but I didn't want to. I was determined to not lose my job. I made a point of telling my doctor this on a daily basis. So I'm back at my job now. It's hard....

All day, every day, I hear nothing but talks of all of us Jews going to concentration camps to be gassed or starved to death. This is what they talk about to me on the phone when I'm at work, and in the groups in the hospital, and everywhere I go.

Right now I kind of feel like no one understands me at all. So there's always this blog to return to.

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