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auditory hallucinations

Posted Aug 25 2008 6:58pm
Thanks, Octave Ocean for your response to the last post.



So, I think I will try to explain here what auditory hallucinations are like. My reason for doing this right now is mostly because it may help me to put this information down and call it a hallucination, since I am having a great deal of difficulty lately with believing that they are not "real".



The way that I "hear things" is not the same as with some other people. I don't hear words being said very often by people who are not visible. I generally hear things being said by real people, who are really talking.



What happens is that there is a kind of double, or triple "speak" that goes on, and I hear what they said in the one-dimensional sort of "real world", as well as hearing them say other, generally frightening words, at the same time.



For example, a mother in a shopping mall might say to her child, "don't cry now", and I might look and see that this is a mother, saying this to her child. At the same time I might also look, and hear this woman saying to me, "go die now".



Generally what I hear that is an "auditory hallucination" is rhyming with something the person really is saying. Sometimes I also hear people who aren't there saying things, or hear people calling my name to taunt me, but most often it's like this.



A person might say, "would you give me your telephone number", and I would hear, "would Jew get herself out of here?"



The word "Jew" comes up a lot, because in some way my mind got very connected to delusions about being called Jewish in a taunting, harassing way, which coincides with delusional thoughts I have about concentration camps and death.



Whenever, for example, someone says, "You're welcome", to me, I hear them saying, "You'll walk home."



That happens several times a day, every single day, because I always thank people for things, and people almost always say those words. The meaning to them might only make sense to me, but it comes from a delusional belief in the eventual long walk people will have to make in the state that I live in to get to concentration camps, at the time when we are forced to go there.



Bear in mind here that not that long ago in history, in another part of the world, real people who really were Jewish, really did get forced to walk to death camps, and so did some real people who really were mentally or physically ill or disabled. So there is some sense of reality, to me anyway, in these "delusions", because I know that it is not just a belief in something that never really happened in the history of mankind. It did happen. I didn't make that up. Where do you start to draw the line, though, between what is real, and what your mine created? And for another example, just when I typed that sentence, my mind flashed to "Israel" as the same sound that comes from the words "is real", because this also fits into the delusional belief system I've got in my head.



I'm only putting a snapshot of a much larger picture here, because it would be very difficult and time-consuming to explain in further detail how the auditory hallucinations work, but if you read the last post, and then this one, I think it might give you some idea of what this experience is like. I think people who imagine that their minds played tricks on them constantly, and very insidiously, all day long, every single day of their lives, might better understand a desire to end their lives just to get out of this nightmare.



Thanks for listening.
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