5 Months Without Medication, Finally Exhaustion

Since Thanksgiving, there was never a break in his positive symptoms. The delusions intensified regularly, held his attention unwaveringly, and his skepticism and suspicions only grew. His mind was extremely active (but only able to deal with the delusions, he has not worked in 3 months), and there was always a noticeable amount of contempt in his face when he spoke to anyone. He constantly felt that we were all plotting to invade his privacy. Now, things have slowed down, he's lethargic. He doesn't even play any instruments or listen to music. He sleeps a lot, not at night but all day long. Part of this is physical exhaustion, he rarely eats and he's very anxious. But part of the increased sleep is depression. He is awake when our Mom is home, asleep when she is gone. And then just last night, light finally broke through the fog of illness and the real Pat reached out. 

For the first time in years, Pat began the dialogue about his problems. (While he doesn't recognize that he has an illness, he is quick to confirm that he has problems. ) He opened up by telling Mom that he is miserable. His suspicions are exhausting him, physically he feels poorly, and he's at the end of his rope. He admitted that he sleeps all day because he is depressed, but that he never sleep soundly. (We realize now that he should be on an antidepressant in addition to antipsychotic medication). Surely, he hasn't come to some genuine realization that Mom is someone he should trust, that our parents are actually trying to help him. Actually, Pat is probably turning to Mom because he has no other choice. He has to trust her because he has no options, no more solutions. This is desperation. And we can use it to get Pat to see the doctor this week.

We've learned that desperation is a very prominent feature especially regarding paranoid schizophrenia. This is all a matter of survival to Pat. It's responsible for him learning to be manipulative, too. This is a guy who never could tell a white lie before; now he'll say whatever he has to in order to comply with a delusion. It is as if he's constantly living in the largest crises imaginable. He feels grave danger all around him. The suspicious way that he beams at a person, is fueled by desperation. But by the same token, he is unable to read the desperation on our faces, in our voices, our actions. That can also be helpful when convincing him to see the psychologist.

Of course, I can't tell you what I expect to occur after Pat sees the doctor. I'm sure it won't solve everything. I'm sure he might not want to go back to see the doctor next week. But I'm at a point where I only want to see this happen. The aftermath, I don't want to anticipate. I just want to see Pat get to an appointment. Over time and suffering, the word progress becomes a very tiny thing to satisfy.