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why aren't you married?!...and other wildly inappropriate questions

Posted Nov 11 2011 5:12pm
There are a few things people know not to ask women: how old are you? What do you weigh?   Yet, a few questions, which I deem much more personal, people have no problem asking.  Here's the question I get all.the.time:


It doesn't matter who it is - friends, family, acquantinces, my gyno (wish I were kidding on that one).   I get it. You want me to get married.  It's not that easy though.  Let me explain. 
Ryan and I have been together for a long time -5 years and 8 months as of tomorrow. However, the first year (and almost a half) we only saw each other on the weekends and maybe a weekday every month or so.  He went to school 2.5 hours away and his parents house was almost a full hour away. 
After he graduated from college and got himself a fancy pants job, we lived closer.  Since I went to school and worked in the same area, we decided to shack up.  That was a little daunting...going from seeing each other on weekends to all the time.
The first year and a half, we were broke as a joke.  We never went on fancy dates or anything like that.  Once Ryan got a real job, we got to enjoy a few luxuries.  Somewhere around the 2.5 mark, I got a real job and stress was at an all time high.  I was a manager to 25+ people and felt way over my head.   We weren't poor, but by no means were we more than okay.  Going from broke to some money doesn't make you rich. Weird, I know.

Anyway, by the time I felt good about work, we had been together more for a few years and had never been anywhere on vacation together.   Ryan had never flown in a plane before.  So, in 2009, we hopped on a plane to nyc.  A few weeks later, we trekked to Chicago.  We became travel junkies.

Enter 2010.  It was a tumultus year.  I was sick all the time and got my gall bladder removed.  Health issues > marriage.  Then, we had a choice- buy a house and stop throwing money away on renting or save for a wedding.  Let me be clear, we will be paying for a wedding 100% on our own, which is fine, but means every dollar of that wedding is paid by us. 
At this point, it felt more right to give gizzy a yard, own a piece of property, and have a permanent address.  2010 also brought the restructuring at my job which led me to becoming a nanny.The money situation felt uncertain and like we shouldn't be stockpiling money for a wedding over more important things - like daily living.
Here it is, almost 2012 and we aren't married yet.  I've had countless people ask me, "aren't you worried he'll leave you?".  The short answer- no.  The long answer:  he signed a 30 year mortgage with me, bought a dog with me, went on four, count em four, vacations with me, made plans well into 2012 with me, and often discusses our future children. 

We had a choice this year, once again.   We opted to be travel junkies once again and also do a million races.  Yes, I know you can travel with kids, but not in the same way.  For both of us right now, were basking in being world (er, at least US) travelers and being healthy by doing a million races. 

In San fran this year

I already have a line up of races for next year. Is that pushing back the proposal more? Probably, but so be it.  Here's what I know: were in this for the long haul and well get married eventually.  Weddings are stressful and most of the details I don't even care about. I don't have "colors" picked out, I don't want a bridal party, and I don't care about place settings.  I DO want a pretty dress and a yummy cake.  Everything else, I couldn't care less about. 

That's not to say I don't like big, extravagant weddings.  I do.  Just not for myself.  Please invite me to yours though.  And that's also to say I don't like marriage because I also do. Here are some other questions that I find particularly personal that people often fire at others (not necessarily me, just in general):-why don't you want kids?  Hi, I love kids but I sure understand why some people don't want any.
- why don't you have the same religious beliefs as me? Don't you love God? This is absolutely not okay.  To try to get someone interested or informed is one thing, not okay to pressure and belittle a person for thinking differently than you.

- how can you support (insert political idea/cause)?  People are different- its as simple and as complex as that.  I may debate a person on an issue, but wouldn't belittle them or their belief system. 
And back to me, another question I get asked often that isn't personal but makes me laugh:
- does Ryan know that you sign him up for all these races?! 
Yes of course!  Though sometimes I tell him as I register us.  I never wake him up at 6am on a Sunday and say, "surprise, were running a half marathon today!". Though maybe I should....   ;). 

Let's talk -
-What personal questions do you get fired at you a lot?
-Anything to share about your life and plans for the year ahead?
-Exciting plans for the weekend?


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