Sigh… I almost decided I didn’t want to do this post. Today I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed. Not as overwhelmed as yesterday. Last night I took the time to do a hatha yoga practice on YogaDownload.com and that helped immensely. I really need to find/make time to do yoga more regularly. I have a subscription to YogaDownload, so that’s to encourage myself to keep a yoga practice in my life. So the yoga last night helped, then this morning my boss canceled our 8am meeting and I literally jumped out of my desk chair and yelled “Woo hoo!” and took my lunch hour at 8am to go run; another thing that helped me feel better.
So I guess those reactions are things that kind of refer to difficulties in my life. Depression, anxiety and emotional distress… things that have all gotten worse the older I get.
As a kid I was very high-strung and things would stress me out so much I would get sick. In elementary we had to do timed times table tests (that’s a lot of T’s), even though I knew my times tables having a clock ticking terrified me. One time my dad’s truck rolled down the hill in the night (parking brake issue, I believe) and after it was repaired, for about a week I would wake up in the night and go look to make sure it hadn’t rolled away. Weird little things that a kid shouldn’t have to worry about caused me anxiety.
As I’ve gotten older it’s gone to a new level. I feel stress and anxiety over nearly everything in life. I can over-analyze a situation to death. For example, I am registered for a race this weekend. I spent hours with thoughts rattling around in my head about how stupid I was for signing up to do it. I started to talk to my husband last night, “I’m signed up for a race this weekend. It starts at 7 AM. It’s about 40 minutes away from home. So to get my packet and stuff before the race, I need to leave around 5:45 AM at the latest.”
“But that means I will have to pump so you can feed the baby. I won’t be able to feed her her first meal of the day.”
“And I hope I can be home in time for her next feeding, but I may be late for that.”
Somehow these things become monumental issues in my brain and he doesn’t see them as issues at all. Hell, maybe he’s looking forward to spending a few hours with the baby. Even if he says stuff about how the baby has to sleep in because it’s the weekend and she can’t interrupt his sleep; which adds to my guilty feelings!
My work has been busy busy busy lately and that adds to my stress levels. Sometimes I feel like I spend so much time with multiple IM windows open answering a multitude of random questions from multiple people, I can’t focus anymore. So I’ll set my status to “Busy” so I can just focus on a single task for a while, yet that makes me feel guilty!
I used to go see a therapist regularly to help cope, but since having the baby I haven’t been to see her. Her office is too far away, on the opposite side of town. It takes nearly an hour to drive there, thus I’d be out about 3 hours just to chat with her for an hour. “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For that!”
I think trying to do yoga regularly will help me. Trying to remember to take deep breaths and relax might help. And the running equivalent of a Finding Nemo line…