I looked and I’m past the point of being able to get a partial refund for my race or even deferring the entry. Thus I guess I’m still going to do it, but when I got home I was fully at peace with the idea of getting out of the race (with the expectation that I could take advantage of the deferment policy). I want to look forward to the event, but I’m not at all. Everything about traveling for work the days before, traveling to the race and doing this all with baby stresses me out to the max. I don’t know how to not freak out about this. So that’s what I’m doing… stressing and getting more nervous and anxious by the days.
I wasn’t going to write about this, I was going to “save face” and not let you all know how clumsy I am. But I’m frustrated and nervous about my race now. Plus it usually feels good to get that stuff off my chest and I usually get some good advice or reassurance. I just feel so out of my element as a full-time worker, mother, runner, wife, human being… I feel a little like shell of my former self, the self that I was just starting to re-discover before I got pregnant. There are good times and my baby makes me so happy. But I am also so sad at the same time. How is that possible, to be happy and sad at the same time? It’s ridiculous.