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Taper Rule # 3456-Nothing New ...

Posted Jun 13 2009 12:00am
Taper Rule # 3456-Nothing New

I was talking to the Princess last night; we were reviewing important stuff like what we're going to wear marathon day. I must say, this being my 5th marathon, I'm getting superstitious. I'm wearing my Road Runner blue line colored tank, extra short Nike black shorts, the trusted Nike Pegasus, and my cheap, but comfortable Champion Sports Bra. There will be not one untried item of clothing on my body. I'm superstitious about the tank, because this was the one I've worn on my two fastest marathons, so I'm hoping the luck holds out. It's important, too, to not ingest anything new on race day, because the intestinal track can do some weird things when you shake it up over 26 miles. I think I'm going to extend that rule to the entire week before the marathon.

My sensible runner husband said he saw some interesting new organic cereals at the new remodeled Acme. He mentioned one that contained sprouted grains which supposedly promotes more efficient assimilation of protein and carbohydrates through some enzymatic action. He couldn't remember the name, but it had a Bible verse on the box front.

I found the said Biblical cereal during my weekly foray. The cereal is actually called Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Whole Grain Cereal. The verse is written down the front of the cereal box. I bought the cereal. The magnified photo spoonful of brown stuff with model strawberry bits, looked eerily like Grape Nuts, although more gravelly, if such a thing is possible. I haven't eaten Grape Nuts since my junior year in high school after eating them the morning after corn field beer bong bash, the details, of which, have been forever lost. My husband loves the barley gravel, though, so I picked him up a box of the cereal with a Bible verse on the front. I verified the Bible verse in my Bible. Ha! Bet you thought I didn't have one of those AND I know how to look up Bible verses. Ezekiel 4:9 "Take also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentils, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof..." There's a little more to the verse but it makes absolutely no sense to me, which is usually the case with anything out of the King James version of the Bible.

Now, it does say that if you put these things together they'll make a kick ass bread. Anyone know what a fitch is? Anyway, the makers of this cereal, Food for Life, took a little different interpretation of that, and thought that if you mixed up all these sprouted grains and put them in a breakfast cereal, it would be a wholesome good and Godly thing. Well, being the adventurous sort, I had a bowl of this stuff this morning. It looked like grape nuts, tasted, unfortunately like Grape nuts--but even worse, smelled like Grape Nuts and brought back a flood of bad memories, augmenting my vow to continue my ban on Grape nuts for time everlasting.

Now...not twenty minutes later the real Biblical action started as the Apocolypse boiled in my colon. I was in the bathroom half the morning. I regret that I didn't have my every three year colonoscopy scheduled because Ezekiel 4:9 can second as an effective bowel prep rivaling anything currently on the market for colon surgery. Can you imagine if I ate this colon blow on marathon morning? I'd be fouling up those cute little shorts. What butt beacon blasphemy! Lesson learned...nothing new for an entire week before the marathon. Eat bland plain bagels and bananas.
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