The dictionary defines self esteem as: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself;self-respect.
I’ve never thought badly of myself as a person. I’m a pretty decent person; I’m compassionate, and strive to help others. But, when it comes to body image. Forget it. No self-esteem what-so-ever.
Sure, I’ve had days when I felt like I “looked good” (whatever that may mean), but more days when I wanted to stay home, in my pj’s because that was infinitely more comfortable than whatever outfit I had to wear that day.
I’m not telling you this so you’ll be all, “Awww, poor Jena. You look great.” or “You skinny bitch. what is your problem.” I’m just stating the honest truth.
Sometimes I would change 4, 5, 6 times before we could ever leave, and then I was constantly complaining about my clothes once we finally left. Often times Chris would make me leave the closet and get in the car before I could change clothes again. I just had to go however I was.
It didn’t matter if Chris said I looked good. What matters is what I saw.
I sometimes see people in clothes that I’d never wear, and I’m jealous of them; Jealous that they had the self-confidence to wear a certain outfit. Why don’t I have that self confidence?
I constantly complained to Chris about how unhappy I was with my body. His response, “well then do something about it, but you can’t eat skittles, and junk and then complain about your body. It doesn’t work that way.” “if you want to work out, then work out, and then you can complain. but sitting around doing nothing and complaining isn’t working.” “Do something.”
Chris has always been 100% behind me. He supports me, so don’t take those statements as him being a jerk.
He was right. HOW could I sit on the couch and eat skittles & drink Dr. pepper and then complain that I felt bloated. duh. of course you do.
and then something just clicked in my head. I’ve had enough. I will make a change.
and I did.
I can truthfully say that I’m feeling great. I feel more confident in my own skin than I have felt in a long time. I have hidden behind loose t-shirts for years. Only in the last 2-3 years have I started to buy fitted t-shirts. and I would only wear those on a really, really, really good day. On a day when I wasn’t bloated & feeling bad. that spaghetti strap tank in the top picture? Wear that? No. Never.. only to bed.
I have a ways to go before I have the body I want, but it’s getting there. I may not be able to physically see much change, but I FEEL better. I took control, and that feels so good.
I hope this post doesn’t sound to braggy. It’s not meant to be braggy. It took me a long time to get to this place. I’ve had many conversation with Chris, my Sister, and Jenny about wanting to make a change; wanting to be more comfortable in my body, but not knowing HOW to do that.
HOW do you just stop losing control, and start being in control The answer: one day at a time.