1 bottle of water
3 pieces of gum
1 Bloody Mary
Put shoes on runner.
Be sure to double knot the laces, because they keep coming undone. (This annoyance might be enough to convince this runner to switch to barefoot running.)
Grease sides of runner with Bodyglide to prevent chafing.
Hand runner 1 bottle of water and 3 pieces of gum.
Push runner out the door.
Sweat at 73 degrees (yes, in January) for 2 hours, or until 12 miles are done. Whichever comes first.
Feed gum to runner if runner complains that it is too F#@$%ing hot for the middle of winter. (Repeat up to 2 more times. More than that, and the runner's jaw will seize up... which, on second thought, might be a good way to stop the runner's cussing about the heat...)
Add more water to achieve desired hydration level.