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On My Heart

Posted Feb 19 2013 2:00pm

Lately...........OH LATELY.........I've been having a hard time.

Yes, it's probably because I'm a million months pregnant but still.........I'm having a hard time.

 I am so HUGE that I can barely get in and out of bed by myself or fit behind the wheel to drive the car yet I am supposed to be doing a super great job taking care of a 2 year old and 3 year old. 

Yeah......not so much.

My poor husband has 5 part time jobs that he is trying to juggle with never a day off so we don't see each other too often these days.

Everyday I try to take the kids on AT LEAST two big outings in the morning. If I don't, they won't sleep and we will all be one big gigantic emotional mess!!! 

So on a typical day we either go to 2 stores and the park or the children's museum or to Grandma's house. 

Just these tasks of loading them in and out of the car 3 times in one morning exhaust me to the point of sweating and sometimes having to sit down and cry a little in the drivers seat while I catch my breath.

Did I mention they went from sleeping until 8am to getting up before 5am? 

Yes, today they woke up at 4:50am?

and they have been doing so for 2 weeks now,!!!!  

What's this all about? 
I have no earthly idea. Maybe they sense the change that is about to take place with the new baby coming. I honestly don't know what happened there but I know I don't sleep much at all these days and a 4am wake up call is a bit more than I can handle.

 We have a few disconnect notices sitting on the dinner table and they burn a hole in my heart every time I walk by them.

So after a few 2am panic attacks and a few 7am nervous breakdowns and A LOT of mercy prayers I finally decided to go to my OB doctor and spill it all. 

I have a counselor and a psychiatrist that I talk to openly about all this stuff and my doctor knew I was having difficulties at home but she had no idea to what extent. 

I was embarrassed to tell her and I am embarrassed now having to confess that. After all the talk I do here about being open and honest, I was still ashamed for some strange reason to share my feelings of desperation with my OB. Why?
I'm not really sure. She has known me and my family a long time. She is also my kids pediatrician and she was my OB for Ginger so I guess because I had never talked to her in depth about my anxiety or depression I just felt really ashamed to tell her now, 3 weeks from my babies due date, that I'm not holding it together.

Long story short, She was so supportive. She gave me resources that might help us at least postpone our electric bill a little while, she held my hand, she got all teary eyed with me and gave me some really great, simple things I need to do first and foremost to take care of me so I can take care of this family.
In fact she was much more grounded and "real" than my psychiatric doctors. She made me feel like she really cared and like she would support me through this no matter what. I feel so much better and have learned once again that you really need to tell your whole truth because people can't help you if they don't know what's wrong. 

So my bills are still piled up waiting to disconnect and my kids will probably wake up before 5am again tomorrow but I feel like maybe I can rest tonight for the first time in a long  while just knowing that someone else "KNOWS" and is only a phone call away.

I thought maybe this week I would bake something beautiful and delicious, put it in a lovely tin with a few bucks in cash and go find a person in need to give it to.

I think it might just be the cure I need. 

Sometimes when I start to have a rough time in life, the best medicine is to give to others and remember all things I am grateful and those things are abundant!!!!

AS always.....Thanks for listening to the crazy pregnant 

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