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Not on track...

Posted Mar 18 2011 12:00am
Run over by the train, is more like it.

I've been to see a physical therapist four times about my back, which turned out to be not just my back. I have medial and ulnar nerve damage in my left arm. I have lost more than half my grip strength. I have next to no pronator strength. The PT isn't 100% sure, but thinks I could also have damage to the C5 disk in my spine. I'm wearing a brace on my arm during the day and at night, and doing physical therapy exercises at home, and seeing the PT twice a week. My upper back pain has subsided quite a bit in the past week; my arm hurts like the devil.

Unfortunately, my 5 minutes a day of PT exercises has been the extent of my physical exertion for the last three weeks.

I really didn't think it could get much worse, but it has. I weighed 186 today. I've been weepy and depressed, and pushing it down with food. I finally broke down and bought some clothes last week in size 14s, and in some ways I felt like it was a gift to myself--to acknowledge what IS, and to allow myself to have something to wear that actually fits. In other ways, it was a mental defeat. I never dreamed I'd be back here again.

I finally, just yesterday, called and made an appointment with a counselor. The office I'm going to is well respected and I asked specifically for someone who deals with eating disorders and depression. My appointment is Wednesday.

I also am going to have someone start cleaning my house twice a month. I found a girl who cleans for another lady in our office building, who charges $15 an hour. Having my house clean will be a huge help.

I have so many projects and responsibilities that are hanging over my head unfinished....they mentally push me down and I often just feel helpless, like nothing ever is going to get done. Instead of finding it in myself to take baby steps and chip away a little at a time, I feel overwhelmed and do nothing. Then I feel guilty. I feel like a failure. Because I've got scrapbook stuff strung out over the living room, I've got estate stuff for my Dad that's still not done, I've got Christmas snowmen in my family room and dining room (yes, still), I've got mail at work that hasn't been opened for two months, I've got a printer at home that still isn't set up yet.... and more and more and more.

I know this is very unhealthy. I know it's related to my food issues. I'm hoping I go to the counselor next week and we can figure out how I can be "fixed." Because, despite what I hear on the Growing Human Kindness CD's, I can't convince myself I'm not broken. That's how I feel. Broken. Something's wrong, down deep, and it needs to be fixed. Clearly, I'm not in any position to fix myself right now.

The failure thing is a big issue for me right now. I can't hide my weight gain any more. I'm a walking statistic--I've regained the majority of my lost weight--and I feel like everyone I know, who gushed & praised & said how great I looked, now feels sorry for me or wonders how I've let myself get back to this size again. Whether they are thinking that or not, and regardless of how it doesn't matter what other people think, this is what I think they are thinking. And it makes me want to hide, and not participate in life.

More than anything else, that's why I finally called the counselor. I can't NOT live my life. I've been there too many times, and it sucks. I don't want to live like this any more. I just want to feel normal again.
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