I never liked making New Year's Resolutions, especially measurable quantifiable ones, like I'm going to run a 4:20 marathon or I'm going to lose 10 pounds, because it's so darned easy to fall short of the numbers. I hate numbers. Instead I like to hit on general themes, because it's imprecise. Last year, I wanted to work on my general self-confidence and looking back over the broad picture, I see that I do have more self-confidence as a person. I've had to fake it on many occasions, but more times than not, I feel myself to be more confident.
I think I want to continue striving for balance in my life, which unfortunately means I will likely remain a half-ass runner, since to become faster or run longer would require me to tip the scales to more running and less family. But a half ass runner is still running and it's vitally important that I keep this up. I'm probably not running enough weekly mileage to run the Buckeye winter 50 K well, but I'm running enough to finish it. Training for this 50K has been a great way to embrace winter, rather than gritting my teeth to just get through it. Something about trudging and trotting the blue blazed trails of the Buckeye Trail has been immeasurably therapeutic for dealing with the winter glum; greater immersion in nature, maybe? I've noticed that my sad days are less frequent; I have maybe one sad day for 3 very happy days, where it was opposite last year, so the intense winter training is helping.
January is usually the armpit of the Northeastern Ohio winter...ceaseless cold and nothing fun going on. Fretting about the 50K has given me something to focus on. My husband told me he can't bear to wait pacing back and forth at one of those trail heads during the race, like an expectant father, waiting for me to pop out of the clearing; he said the most he can bear is to be on call to drive me to the hospital and sign the surgery release, but I take this as his brand of acceptance for what I do.
The other big thing I want to work on is not being so damned sensitive; it's a life long battle, that one, but the more I practice, the easier it will get. This doesn't mean I'll let you be an ass to me and I will take it like a doormat; I'll give you my two cents and then I'll move on rather than letting it fester and hating you in ever increasing layers to the point that I never want to look at you a second longer and then poof...you're gone from my life. I want to keep my friends and keeping friends is a two way street. I will do my part by not clinging on to resentments due to my magnified sensitivity. Work on letting things go...after I tell you off, that is...
I learned a few things back in my rehab days and one of the greatest things I still strive for each year encompasses the Serentity Prayer: God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometime I feel like I've learned a lot in my 43 years, other times I feel I don't know shit and will probably get myself reincarnated into the lower life realm of intestinal bacteria and have to work upward from there. So, here's to another year of trying to figure it all out.