I am the first to admit I have mental problems. Nothing that’s professionally medicated or commit-able or harm-to-self-and-others type of mental problems, just your typical, run of the mill, what’s-the-meaning-of-life-and-why-are-we-here sort of stuff…and I haven’t felt this way since the Great Post-Marathon Depression of 2011 .
And that, dear readers, is why I have not written a blog post in such a long time- my mind is consumed with where I am now in my life, where I am going, and trying to figure out what is actually important. Being so in my head right now and somewhat confused about life has made it very hard to get my thoughts OUT there, so please forgive my absence as well as the following attempt to explain myself.
I have 2 kids, the oldest is in second grade and the youngest just started kindergarten this fall. Now that they are in school full time, my job as a stay-at-home-mom is sorta kinda DONE. Monday through Friday they go to school from 8am to 3:30pm. After I drop them off in the morning, I go work out, go grocery shop, run errands, do laundry, clean the house… that’s about it until I pick them up at the end of the day. Sure, they still need me to chauffeur them to swim class and martial arts but it really feels like they need me less… my importance as a mom is dwindling… the job I have had for the past 7 years has come to a close.
And if you are anything like my husband , I am sure you’re thinking, “Well then get a job!” And I agree! I would like that. Have you heard anything about our economy lately? Yeah, well, getting a job right now is a LOT easier said than done. But yes, I am applying and trying.
I brought this topic up with a few friends a couple weeks ago and their response was, “Oh we ALL go through that, Laura!” However, none of these friends happened to have kids. Unless you have had a career, then stopped it to raise a family, and then decided to go back to it after 7 years, can you truly relate to my existential crisis . I found worth and importance being a stay-at-home mom and providing for my family in that capacity. Now that I am needed much less, I don’t feel nearly as important or useful and that is just a tad… okay, honestly… it’s VERY heart breaking.
In the past few weeks, when I sit at the computer and consider writing a blog post, I think, “Oh that’s not important. No one really cares. Stop having fun and get on Craigslist and look for a job, don’t you dare waste time writing some silly thing about running.”
Now, I don’t at all agree with that thought process when it comes to my blogging, I just think my time right now should be spent doing other, more “important” things… whatever those things are, I still have yet to figure out! Not blogging is almost a punishment, in a way, for being “out of a job” right now.
Luckily, I have awesome friends and conversations with fellow bloggers Jen , Kate , and Andrea helped me to realize that there really IS value in this blog of mine, the words I string together, and my running efforts. I may never get paid to blog or run but both are a part of my life, a very important part, and I shouldn’t self-punish in the face of this current mental drudgery. Just like anything in life, I know I must push past this hard part in order to learn and grow.