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Married Limbo I've cut ...

Posted Jun 13 2009 12:00am
Married Limbo

I've cut the leash but I can't get the collar off. My husband asked me if I'm going to continue to wear my wedding band during our separation. I told him that, yes, I'd like to take it off, but I can't get it off. He said he'd keep his on as long as I keep mine on. When mine comes off, he's ditching his. I wear my engagement ring over top of my wedding band; the engagement ring comes off easily enough, yet the band is fused to my finger, like a big knuckled phallus wearing a gold cock ring. It has deformed my finger so that I will have a ring "rut" once it's removed. My brother said his ring rut lasted for 6 months before his finger took on a normal shape again after his divorce. My wedding ring was too small from the beginning--not sure why this happened--must have gone shopping together for it, but it was small from the initial "I do."

Now here I am muddling through my midlife crisis, beefed up a bit from so much running that I'm not the petite 115 pound thing I was when I was 23. I've had surgery a few times during my marriage but every time, the surgical staff has resorted to taping my rings down since, "that puppy's not coming off." It has never been off my finger in 20 years. My brother told me to Google "how to get ring off"-- Google knows everything. I was amused that I was taken to an attachment parenting blog discussing the issue of when to take off the ring during the separation process. Ironic isn't it? See what all that attachment parenting crap gets you? Detached from your spouse! I've always believed that if you don't put the marriage first, then the marriage will suffer but invariably that has happened--the marriage became the neglected child locked in the closet, slowly starving, losing luster while our actual children thrived. Marriages need as much nurturing as children--we failed to nurture both our marriage and our children at the same time. Hmph.. I subscribed to all that attachment parenting stuff; I breast fed my kids till they were toddlers, grew organic produce, cooked from scratch, limited T.V. and all that crap and now I'm googling how to get my ring off my finger. I regret not putting more effort into my marriage, but the damage has been done. The foundation of our once solid marriage became as fragile as a sand sculpture. I should have insisted that Mike and I do more things together...

Another Google hit told me to use Astro-Glide on my finger then slowly twist the ring off rather than the desperate pulling I've been resorting with unsuccessful painful results. I figured if Astroglide can assist with large things getting in small places then maybe it works for getting small things off of large middle aged puffy fingers. I've tried yanking in the morning, using ice, using the Astro-Glide, holding my hand up in the air--anything to reduce swelling, but my skinny gold band tightens like a constrictor eating a hapless mouse. I've had a hard time with the whole "ring" thing. I take very seriously what this ring symbolizes--a sacred union between two people. I don't feel right in continuing to wear it because our marriage is clearing heading to an end. I know that some women continue to wear their rings for "security"--to make it appear that there is still a big hunky hubby lurking in the periphery, or they wear it to quell the kids, but this doesn't seem right to me. My ring, marriage, has also symbolized security, so the whole thought of removing my ring fills me with unease and terror. I've been married for near half my life. I'm in a very strange kind of married limbo right now...married but not married...confused...a real middle-aged mess. I miss my kids. It's my week off...I miss their clatter and chatter. I feel like a stranger in my own home, but it's not my home anymore...emotionally anyway.

I have this whole swath of time to fill today and I don't know what to do, so I'm going to go to a jeweler and get advice on getting off my wedding ring, so I can begin the upward climb out married limbo, let the ring ruts smooth out and let the healing begin....
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