Motivation is a line in the sand and difficult under the best conditions. As you persist and endure that line gets deeper and more defined. When you waiver the line blurs and the impetus to go is lost. When that strength leaves often times I am left holding the remainder of myself and asking; who am I? What do I actually want?
Friends ask if the endorphin high is that amazing that I am addicted and have to keep going. The truth is I am a suffering junkie. I enjoy knowing how far I can go when its not my day. I enjoy it so because in those moments I learn a lot about myself.
During a good training cycle I can go into low gear and grind it out. I force myself to smile when I feel terrible and the pain subsides. During bad training cycles I cave under the weight of my own thoughts. The "you can't do it" or "you're not strong enough" thoughts bury my soul and my body breaks down and quits.
In those dark moments the big questions arise. What or who am I proving this to? Did I really pay the entry for this? What was I thinking? I have accomplished so much more than I ever imagined. I have good excuses...why keep going? Cash in the chips and walk away.
The answer to those questions used to be .... I am scared. I was unhappy, unhealthy, perennially seeking the momentary satisfactions rather than long term happiness. Being scared of going back to that place kept me going, it kept the train on the rails.
Now, I can't give a a single answer as to why I do it. Keeping that line in the sand visible and defined keeps me balanced, humble and thankful. In the last few months I have learned a lot about myself because of the struggles on and off the trail. For me it comes down to giving fear a swift kick to the curb.
A thin line in the sand when I began. The motivation is no longer to be something or someone else. It is be a better version of me everyday. The push to be better every day is mine and mine alone "..and happiness I've known proves that its right...I walk the line" (Johnny Cash).