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I'm Not a Failure

Posted Jun 09 2013 8:41pm
Good Morning!

  Well, if you follow me on FB, Twitter or IG, you already know... I didn't get my sub 30 5k that I've been training so hard for. Since I've started running, I have never been more disappointed or mad at myself.
 This was a small race, maybe 100 people. Jeremy and I get there at 7:30 to pick up my packet. I'm as excited as can be, I have NO doubt in my head that I will run this race in under 30 minutes. I've been doing speed work and trying so hard. My average times on my own, have been around 30-31 minutes, (with one even being 27) so I just know being in a race, running with other people, that will push me and I can easily do it. I am 100% confident.
Ready to run!

Here we go!
I felt really good the whole race, I probably walked 3-4 times for a few seconds. (Which I regret) I don't normally need to walk, but I thought I was sprinting, and felt like I HAD to walk. There were a few small hills, but I have been training on small hills, so it was nothing new. 
 I wore my Garmin, but didn't look at it one time. Maybe I should've and that would've pushed me. But I thought it would mess with my head, and I just wanted to give it my all and be surprised at the end.
 I get close to the finish line and look at the clock and I see 30. I'm not sure what kind of picture the photographer got of me, I know I had raised my fists and was so angry!
 I cross the line at 30:28. SO CLOSE!!!

After crossing that line, the old Katie came back. FAILURE! You told everyone you were going to do it, and you FAILED. You're a joke! Why are you still running? Now everyone will laugh at you! You fail at everything! Of course I started to remember past 'failings'. My first marriage, unable to have children, my struggle with weight, and the list goes on...

I'm not going to lie, I wallowed in all of that for awhile. I listened to it, I started believing it, I felt defeated. 
 Funny how I can run a marathon, but yet a little 5k will make me doubt myself as a runner. 

Then they started giving out awards. And then I heard my name. They called my name! I have never even thought about winning an award, because that's impossible! (Oh, I have so much to learn!)
 I got runner up for my age group. 
I felt like this was God's way of saying "I'll show you you're not a failure!" 
Honestly, I felt that way for awhile though. I thought about how embarrassing it will be to come back here and tell everyone I didn't make it! But I'm sure there's a lesson I'm supposed to learn in all of this. (Maybe not to be so vocal about my goals? Haha) When I figure it out, I'll let you know...
 When I posted about this on FB and IG, the support was unbelievable. I am so blessed to have all of you. You have no idea how much your words lifted me. 

  Here's some things I did learn. I'm only a failure if I throw in the towel and give up. I will never ever do that. I'm only a failure if I stay down, if I listen to my old self saying I should just stop running. We have to keep going, keep running towards our dreams. That's the only thing that keeps us motivated and moving forward! 
 I may have experienced failure, but that's not who I am. It's okay to be disappointed in yourself, but let that just push you further and try harder. Which is exactly what I'm going to do. 
 And when I do get that sub 30 5k, it will be that much sweeter!

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