Hormones & the medication issue

Vickie asked on my last post whatever happened with my meds. She observed that I seem to be going up & down a lot. And she's right. I am going up & down a lot. I thought rather than just posting a response to her blog, I'd write a post here b/c I want all y'alls feedback.

So here's the recent history with my meds. I had gone up to 300 mg of wellbutrin last winter when my SAD kicked in. Turns out, that's a dose that causes severe anxiety in some people, & I am one of those people. My doctor knew exactly why I was so anxious 2 months after upping my dose, & I was relieved I wasn't suffering from a more significant mental issue.

I got off the 300 mg, started lexapro, took that for a week, the anxiety went away, but then I freaked myself out by reading story after story online about people gaining weight on lexapro. And I slapped myself upside the head and went " DOH!" (my favorite Homer Simpson quote). I gain weighton lexapro. & so I asked myself, What the hell am I doing taking it again?!

So I called my doctor & spoke with the nurse & said I'm stopping the lexapro, starting wellbutrin 150 again, and they were fine with it. I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms. & I started feeling much better, pretty quickly. It didn't hurt that it was mid-March by then and the sun was showing up more & more often.

And before you suggest or ask, yes I have a SAD light. No, I do not make time to sit under it every morning in the winter. Yes, I know I need to. No, unfortunately I do not have room at my cubicle to bring it to work. Yes, I know it sounds like I'm making excuses. Yes, I will try to do better next winter & get up earlier & sit under the darn thing.

OK. Moving on.

If you've been reading me long you can probably guess from my word choices today that I'm feeling better. Much much better. Much much much better. In a mere span of 2 days.

I do track my moods & when I'm feeling bad/better, on the spreadsheet that I have been tracking everything on for the past two years--my weight, my exercise, my running miles, my periods, my moods, my family's illnesses, my family's crises, holidays, birthdays, binges, successes, new diets started or stopped, you name it, it's on my spreadsheet.

And what I know very well about myself is that I am severely hit by hormones when I ovulate. & again right before I start my period. The ovulation hormone swing is much much worse, & usually lasts 3-5 days. I often go from feeling completely normal to being in the pit of despair (cue the Albino from "The Princess Bride") within 24 hours. It. Sucks.

My husband asked me Wednesday what was wrong with me. He'd been asking me since Sunday if I was okay. I kept telling him I was fine. He's pretty tuned in to my emotional frequency & can tell when there's something wrong. I finally just told him Wednesday it's my hormones. He asked a question along the lines that Vickie did--do I need medicine for this?

Honestly, I don't know. I don't know what the doctor would put me on to fix it, without me gaining weight. I refuse to take any antidepressants other than wellbutrin. I know for a fact my body gains weight when I'm on anything but wellbutrin, & trust me, a 40 pound weight gain would make me depressed & hormonal 30 days a month instead of a mere 5.

I don't think I need anything resembling a bipolar disorder med. I don't go into severe highs or lows. I'm not detailing the kitchen sink when I feel good; I'm not stuck in bed immobile when I'm down. Plus, I hear those can cause weight gain too. Again, completely 100% not an option.

I have xanax for when things are unbearable. I take xanax every day when I'm hormonal. It gives me a nice mellow feeling when the kids or my husband or the cat and/or dog are driving me insane. I'm sure there is more than one mom out there who has xanax to thank for not ending up on the Evening News.

I exercise when I'm hormonal. It helps, but it is by no means a cure. I feel better during & immediately after, but the emotional malaise creeps back quickly. Exercise endorphins must have a short half-life.

I have never been an even-keel person. I've always had emotional ups & downs, even as a kid I remember being very happy some days, very sad others. My mom is an even-keel person; she wouldn't know a mood swing if it bit her in the ass. My dad, on the other hand, has a history of depression & bad moods (& good moods, where he spends money on things he can't afford, & gets depressed again--this was a common theme in my childhood). I know what even-keel looks like; I know I get my brain functionality honestly.

Perhaps I do have a touch of bipolar disorder. I don't know. And if I didn't already have (literally) tens of thousands of dollars in medical costs already for me, my husband, & my daughter, I might go to a psychologist & find out. But, for now, I'm not willing to spend the time or money. I guess you could say the pain is not great enough for me to fix it. I will, someday, perhaps work on it. It's not that I think I'm not worth it--I am. It's that I'm, well, like many people, just doing the best I can with what I have.