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Goodbye, 2012!

Posted Dec 31 2012 12:37pm

Hope you all had a great holiday season! I enjoyed a nice longgggg week at home with the family in NJ. It was really good to kick back, relax, and spend some time on the couch. I finally caught up on some sleep, destressed, and got in a few decent runs.

Home with the fattest cat in the world, Sushi

I came back into the city yesterday afternoon and headed over to Alex & Steve’s apartment for a few drinks before the 2nd Annual CPTC Ugly Sweater Party! I missed it last year, and was excited to don my festive vest I purchased for 99 cents on eBay.

And now, I’m ready to spend New Year’s Eve in NYC with friends; I haven’t spent NYE here sine ’09/’10 actually. Because I tend to feel a little bit more introspective around New Year’s, I’ll do another “reflections post“. I enjoy looking back, reading these, and seeing how things have changed (or not).

At the end of  2010 , a lot had changed in my life and I felt weirdly in transition– as do most 23 year olds bridging the gap between college life and ‘real’ life. And  2011  brought even more changes, as I started a new job, joined CPTC, ran my 2nd marathon, and re-started and subsequently ended a nearly 6 year relationship. It was a hard year, especially from October-December, but I was happy and excited to grow with all the changes and challenges.

As I kicked off 2012, I was in a really good place. New Year’s Eve was great and I set a lot of goals for 2012. For the first half of the year, I was incredibly optimistic, being more spontaneous and putting myself out there in ways I probably wouldn’t have done before. I was kicking butt in running, work was going well, and I was having fun. And then somewhere along the way, I got a little lost. 

It kind of happened gradually, and I didn’t do much to stop it. I got overwhelmed with work. I didn’t know how to properly manage my stress. I was trying to do too much, and not sleeping nearly enough (I need a lot of sleep). I was trying to marathon train while traveling ‘Up In The Air’-style and not taking care of myself. I was away from home more weekends in Spring/Summer than I was home. I wasn’t happy with how I looked and really didn’t feel like myself. I developed bad habits that just made things worse.

After feeling crappy all summer, I got multiple rounds of blood work done in the fall and while my cortisol (stress hormone) was elevated and I showed a gluten sensitivity, follow-up visits to doctors and endocrinologists were pretty inconclusive. While of course I’m happy that nothing is terribly wrong, a small part of me wanted to hear that there was a diagnosis or reason why I feel so weird. I’ll admit it, it’s easier to place blame on something than accept it yourself.

A lot of the year was just a blur; I don’t know what I did or how I really felt. I was passive in my own life, not doing things or just putting them off for when I felt better. Old pictures, blog posts, conversations, memories serve to remind me how unhappy, frustrated, and void I was…or am.

But I think that’s dumb, and I’m over feeling that way. It’s stupid to wish for stuff to happen but not actually take the steps to make it happen. It’s ridiculous to expect things to just get better overnight. I need to stop complaining about things that are wrong if I’m not doing anything to actively CHANGE them.

Wake-up call, Lindsay. Stop doing the same stuff and expecting different results.

I was (am?) in a funk. I’m realizing that I can’t control a lot of what stresses me out, but I can control how I let it affect me or how I deal with it.

Stressed out about how busy work is? Stop checking Facebook & Twitter every hour and focus instead of staying late. Overly tired and need more sleep? Don’t stay up an extra hour to watch my DVR-ed episode of Teen Mom 2 (guilty). Feeling left out of plans? Go ahead and initiate hanging out with people for a change. Unhappy with how out of running shape I am? Step out of my comfort zone and start getting back into workouts and races. Frustrated at the weight I’ve gained? Just eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full, and stop mindless eating out of stress or boredom. Feeling like there is no time to do everything? Relax and breathe, not everything needs to be done right away, right now. And maybe stop wasting the time I do have on Facebook, seriously.

I’m unsure of the point of this post, besides being a bit stereotypical “New Year’s Eve reflections-esque” (is that a phrase?) and overloaded with positive quotes I found on Pinterest, but I’m ready to start changing how I interpret, act on, and manage things in life.

I know in the grand scheme of the world my problems are insignificant; people suffered great tragedy and much worse in 2012. But this is my life and I’m going to feel the way I feel. And I don’t like the way I feel, so I’m going to take it day-by-day and step-by-step to make it better, instead of sitting idly wondering why things aren’t changing.

“Without action, you aren’t going anywhere.”

Well I’m lacing up my sneakers and I’m ready to hit the ground running in 2013. Cheers!

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