I was asked in my previous post what my goals were...and it got me to thinking. I should only be making promises to myself that are in direct fulfillment of my short and long term goals. Right? I don't know if that is what Kurt meant, but it's where my brain directed me. And then I started to think about all the goals I have....
To run a marathon in all 50 states, and every country I vist, to pass the cdfm exam, to pass the cpa exam, to finish grad school, to be successful in my job like maybe working at the pentagon or somewhere else cool like that, or to be a mom because i don't want to do both at the same time, to lose 5 lbs, to be able to look at my body and be happy with it, to have legs that make people look twice at them, to have long hair, to hike the AT, to drink plenty of water everyday, to not procrastinate, to read every day, to catch up on the blogs i like to read, to stop watching reality tv, or at the very least stop lying when peeps ask if i watched the latest episode of Flava flavs show...you see the list goes on and on...i often say to people "when I grow up I want to be...." a chef, a meteorolgist, a jump master, a personal trainer, a Navy seal, a shoe buyer (which was my original profession choice btw) and on and on and on.
I think what all of this means is that i have a goal to do EVERYTHING. Well, maybe i won't ever pierce my skin with safety pins and hang myself from meat cleavers, but pretty much everything else is game.
And I am struggling with picking just a few things to do now. And save a few for later. I want to do everything now. And I'm not sure why.
And honestly, I never ever thought about it until Kurt posed that question to me....
I think that most of my never ending conquest to do everything right here, right now stems from spending most of my 20's with one person that I foolishly tried to change. I spent most of that decade of my life putting my life on hold so that I could worry about his. And when I finally felt some liberation, in the form of "don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya", I started to do EVERYTHING. And the more I did, the more I wanted to do more. And more. And more. And the more I was confident that I could in fact do EVERYTHING. And then I met T who instilled much more confidence in me...so much so, that I really did EVERYTHING the first year we met....
And now I think it's just spun out of control. Although I think it is wonderful to have goals, I currently have too many. And as much as I sit here and begin to write about how I need to get rid of them, I get this sick feeling in my stomach. Like maybe I might miss out on something. Like maybe I missed out on a decade of doing stuff. Like maybe I might go back to that place where I don't really exist, and that only the things that I do for others exist.
Man, I had no idea exploring my inner goals would get me to this place.
If Kurt further posed the question, "from the list above, if you could only do 5 more things in your life, which would they be?"
1. To run a marathon in all 50 states, and every country I visit. 2. To be a mom. 3. To be able to look at my body and be happy with it. 4. To hike the AT. 5. To stop lying to peeps about my obsessiveness with Flava-flav (or any other reality star for that matter).
For now, for today, my goal is to walk 5 minutes, run 5 minutes for a total of 30 minutes with T. And to spend the day with T. That's it. If I don't get anything else done today, I will know that I fulfilled my goals for the day.
And in the grand scheme of things that is all that really matters, right?