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From the Vault: When Underwear Is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Wear Underwear

Posted Dec 26 2013 11:47am

The International Swimming Federation ruled that competitive swimmers cannot wear anything underneath their swimsuits, for modesty’s sake or otherwise. The decision came days after Sweden’s Therese Alshammar lost a world record performance when officials learned she was wearing a second swimsuit. The rationale was that a second suit provides increased buoyancy.

This made me consider hypothetical equivalent situations in the world of running:

* A runner is disqualified when it is discovered her maxi pad has wings.

* A runner loses a bronze medal for attaching propellers to his nip guards.

* A runner’s photo finish victory is taken away because her pointy sports bra exceeded established limits.

* Pre-race ice baths cause controversy over whether shrinkage reduces drag and gives runners an unfair advantage.

* US Track & Field rules thongs do not provide an actual slingshot effect.

* Victoria’s Secret and UnderArmor to merge after third date.

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