My post today is not about relationships; well, I guess it is in a way. I suppose it’s about my relationship with my body.
Before we get into that heavy talk; Did you watch the Boston Marathon today? I bought the live feed from Universal Sports. It was well worth the $4.99 that it cost me! I was seriously on edge for 2.5hrs. I’ve never been interested in the Boston Marathon until this year (mostly because I’d never even heard of it). What an amazing race! I have no desire to run Boston, or maybe a marathon at all, but it sure was fun to watch!
I’ve written, deleted, rewritten, deleted and rewritten this post more times than I can count.
I just don’t like talking about it. But I think I should. It makes me who I am.
I don’t know exactly when it started, or even why it started. I remember at a pretty young age (elementary school) being uncomfortable in shirts that were tight. Shirts that touched my stomach drove me insane. I liked baggy shirts, shirts that wouldn’t lay against my stomach. …. weird. I know. I should clarify that I don’t mean tight like hoochie mama tight, but any kind of form fitting shirt, or any shirt that wasn’t baggy. Obviously I was skanked out in the 5th grade (although kids today surely are).
I think this makes me even more of a freak, but, I remember a specific pink GUESS shirt that I liked because it fit just right. I’m guessing that was in 5th or 6th grade. I remember the house we lived in so I’m going by that for an age determination.
I don’t remember having many problems in middle school.
High school was weird. It’s that age when a lot of girls start to develop, and wear clothes that show their, uh, developments. Shirts that show off breasts, or hourglass figure(I’m still waiting for mine.kthanx).
Prom, homecoming & summer were always a troubling time. I could never find a prom dress or homecoming dress that looked decent on my body shape. It’s not that I was over weight, I just don’t have an hourglass figure. I’m like a stupid rectangle. I hate rectangles (incase you were wondering). Oh, and bikinis, forget about it.
It didn’t get any easier after high school, it wasn’t easier in my early twenties, and it’s not that much easier now that I’m 26. I’m extremely critical of myself. I have a really hard time buying clothes because I am very concerned with the way that they look, and the way that other people will think they look. I don’t want to be that girl that thinks she looks good in something, but actually looks like a hot mess.
I realize that, for the most part, people are not paying attention to what I’m wearing, and they probably aren’t judging the way I look in my clothes. But I am, therefore I think everyone else is to.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have a legitimate complaint. I don’t even know what my real complaint is? I don’t have an hourglass figure? I have a rectangular shape? wah. I’m not overweight so saying I feel fat is insulting to people who actually are over weight… right?
Chris tells me that he wishes someone that is actually overweight would hear me say, “I’m fat” so they could punch me in the head.
It’s not the nicest thing that he could say to me, but it puts it into perspective for me. I rarely say “I’m fat” anymore.
I would be lying if I said I don’t change clothes at least 2-3 times almost every morning. I even change on days I wear scrubs. I have gotten better about that, but not completely. I wore scrubs today, but not before I changed my top once.
The one, and only thing that makes me feel confident (besides Chris)……….running. While it doesn’t do much for the shape of my body, it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe because I know I am actively doing something to make myself feel & look better? Maybe because I have control over how well I run (for the most part.stupidITBAND)- As with most people, eating healthy also makes me feel better and more confident with the body that I was given.
In the last year I’ve had better control over the “I’m fat” feeling. I can wear clothes that I wouldn’t normally wear a little more comfortably. I am a little more comfortable/confident in my bikini. (I’ve never let this stop me from wearing a bikini, but I would bitch about before leaving the house…and then in my head through out the day). It’s hard to feel confident when there are so many other women that look amazing in bikinis; or even clothes that are cute that I wish I could wear, but know I can’t.
I think it’s something that I am overcoming; It’s a slow process, but I see some improvement. My closet has quite a few dresses, and other outfits that I would not have bought a year or two ago. It doesn’t take me as long to get ready as it used it and instead of changing outfits 12 times I only change 2-3. Sometimes I just have to leave the house even though I’m not entirely comfortable in whatever I’m wearing; otherwise I’ll stand in my closet all day trying to find something to wear.
It’s an uphill battle, but I’m slowly getting to the top.