As you all (really that's Ya'll) are well aware, I've been a tad bit stressed out lately. This whole school thing bit me right in the keester (sp?). It is so much more work than I bargained for. But, I'm here, it's paid for, and I'm gonna finish. In 16 months.
With that being said, I've been having to make decisions lately that I'm not really used to. For example, do I eat lunch or plug through on the management project...or do I put my clothes in the washer or do I continue to read about the joys of managerial accounting. It's been hard. The last 3 weekends I have sat at this desk and studied for 8, sometimes 10 hours a day...sometimes 3 solid days in a row.
Note: all you moms/dads/people with way busier lives than me and you did it? You have the utmost respect from me. And that includes my own mother who finished grad school with 3 of us at home.
Not to mention that things have been busy at work (I know! Who would have thought???).
And so it's all just led me into this funky place of quietness with nothing much to occupy me except the fan on my computer (even at work I've been more aware of the fan kicking on...) And since I'm usually a don't-sit-in-one-place-for-very-long kinda girl, it's all made me kinda sad. Just blah. It may be the weather too as I've read far too many blogs lately that discuss feeling the same way I am. For me, it's a combo of all of things. And just feeling a tad bit out of control. Like at any moment my world is just going to spiral out of control and I won't be able to stop it.
I hate not being in control of my own life. Really. I hate that more than anything.
So, I've been thinking over the last few days what I can do to minimize this anxiety. What are the things that I have control over? Find out what those are first. And the things that I have no control over, like school and the amount of work they assign, well, I'll just have to get over it.
Well, I quickly realized that most of things that I have on my plate are out of my control. I can't make work take a project back. I can't make my professor decide not assign those cases. I can't make my dirty clothes jump in the washer and dryer and fold themselves (but, man wouldn't THAT be cool???)
But, what can I control? Running. Or my lack of it. It's not really that I haven't had time to run. I could always squeeze 3 or 5 miles in. That's easy. I can do that on my lunch break. Or wake up 30 minutes earlier. But it's the long runs. The 16 miles that I missed today. Or the 12 last week. Or the 8 or 10 I'm supposed to be doing during the week. I just haven't had enough time. So, instead of giving it what I do have time for, I just do nothing. And that, above all the other things I have going on, is what is making me sad. I can handle all the other stuff. But consistently disappointing myself? Well, I just can't handle that.
So, [drum roll please]....
I've decided not to run the full marathon in March. I'm just gonna do the half. Because I know I can. That's easy. And it will be fun. And I might even PR AGAIN. And that is exciting. Shoot, I KNOW I'll PR again. And I have the time to do it. Getting in 13 miles and under is easy. And I can go back to doing speedwork (of which I only did once...) and work on those kinds of smaller projects that still keep my feet movin' but don't take up quite as much time.
Kurt posted an interesting comment the other day "This is the time period that defines who are the dedicated runners from the wannabe runners." I liked that. It's the truth. And it made me realize that I'm not a wannabe. I am a runner. Just one who is too busy right now to train for a full marathon. But that doesn't preclude this non-wannabe from training for something shorter, something less time consuming, something that I can continue to get better at.
So that is what I've decided to do: continue to do what I am doing best, and work for what I am getting better at. And that is the point to all of this, right?