Yesterday I had planned to get my second run in for the week (Tuesday I had a great three miles, and last Saturday I had a fabulous five mile run). But I unexpectedly had to work late then had a church meeting at 5:45 then choir at 7, so no running.
I *needed* to run yesterday. It's a miracle I didn't kill anyone. Ha.
I'd had lunch yesterday with a girlfriend and she'd made an offhand comment that bothered me all afternoon. This is the friend who I gave my size 8 & 10 clothing to back in 2010 when I couldn't fit into them anymore. I am getting close to being able to wear 10s, and so I asked her if she had anything she wasn't wearing. She asked me, "so are you losing weight?"
I fumbled around and said yeah, I've been losing and figure I'll be wearing 10s in a couple of months. She said she's wearing all her clothes. Didn't offer to give me back what I'd lent her. Which is fine. She works at a bank & has to dress up every day, and her funds are very limited, and it's not that big a deal.
The "are you losing weight" comment is what stuck in my craw.
I'm at that place in weight loss where *I* notice the differences--the labels on my clothes are a size smaller, I can see my collar bones & the tendons in my feet, my running speed is increasing, I can wear 34Ds again--but the outside world doesn't notice. I tell myself it doesn't matter, and that I don't need affirmation from anyone else.
But the insecure, needy, "please recognize me!" part of my brain calls BS on that.
Between all that mental garbage and the long, stressful day, I wanted to eat. I wasn't craving a particular food. I was just a tied up ball of feelings, and I didn't like it. I wanted to get numb.
So when I got home last night around 8:45p, I helped get the kids to bed then called my sponsor.
This is one of the strengths of OA. I didn't have to eat because I could talk to someone who understands what I'm going through and who can help me redirect my thinking and behavior.
One thing Ami told me was I didn't have to hang out in the bad neighborhood of those icky thoughts. My self worth is determined by my Creator, not the outside world.
Or the scale. I was pissed at 161 this morning. I know it's because I'm bloated from lunch yesterday (tilapia and 2 veggie skewers, with lots of sodium) and because I'm at mid cycle when I don't lose weight. But I was still upset.
I'm moving along though, not hanging out in the neighborhood of icky thoughts. I'm sharing with you, blowing the thoughts away, finishing my work day, going for a run this afternoon, and having an abstinent dinner.
And then I get go do it all over again tomorrow.
I'm going to need lots of tools to get me through the next week & a half. We are hosting Thanksgiving and I'm already stressed about how much I have to do.
I am going to have to watch my AFTERS very carefully. I'm thankful I have an arsenal of tools. They will be put to the test.
I am weak, but my higher power & my OA program is strong.