As was discussed here yesterday--I believe that "everything happens for a reason" and although I try not to exert too much energy or time trying to figure out why certain things work out the way they do and just trust that God has a plan--sometimes I do dwell on certain "whys" a bit.
I have a few "whys" going through my head this week and they are not all running related!
The running thing has been really weighing on my mind for the past few weeks and I will admit that I have spent a little too much time feeling sorry for myself and also beating myself up over the upcoming Boston Marathon that I was supposed to run on Monday.
At first my training was going pretty well, but I had a lot going on at home and I let a lot of distractions keep me from running some days when I SHOULD have been out there pounding the pavement. I have been out of work for awhile and although I wasn't working that many hours or bringing home that much money AND I was in a very stressful situation at my job--it still was upsetting when I no longer had that job.
The fact that Ray was laid off from his job at the Hartford in November has been a source of stress for the whole family. Ray has handled it very well and tried to stay positive, but it's so upsetting for me to see a man who is such a good person and who put so much heart into his work having such a struggle finding a new job. It's hard to watch him struggle to KEEP that positive attitude.
And of course there are just the everyday things that come with raising kids. I think I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that Alex will be going away to college soon! She will be leaving just as Conor is heading into his teens---THAT should be a hell of a ride!! I love the boy SOOO much, but he can be a bit of a challenge sometimes!
Okay--sorry for the rambling here, but I need to work some things out for myself and it helps if I write things down (maybe I should just get a diary?), even if I sound like I'm whining and questioning.
Anyway, about the running and the "whys"--Even though my training wasn't exactly going as well as I had hoped--I WAS training for months, although I didn't get in a few of the longer runs. I don't want to sound like I am just making excuses here, but in addition to the stress at home, I also had some problems with my knee when I tried to do some of the longer runs. I think that part of the problem was my weight (NO...I did NOT lose that 30 pounds...I eat when I'm stressed--OKAY??) and the fact that I tried to up my mileage too quickly.
Just before my Black Eyed Sally's event, I was sooo busy with putting things together and I just kept thinking--"okay, I will run as much as I can now and as soon as the event is over I will get in 2 really long runs and I will be good to go!" Here is where the BIG WHY comes in--"WHYYYY did I get sick just a few days from my big event??" I had gotten through being in the house with sick kids a few times during the fall and winter without catching their illnesses, but right at the WORST time--I got sick! As I mentioned before in another post, my ears, sinuses, throat were all a mess--AND my asthma kicked up for the first time in awhile. I was put on an anti-biotic, steroids and cough medicine. There was NO WAY I could get in those long runs just yet. So, I was sick for a few weeks and THEN when I went out and tried to get the running in that I had missed--my BACK started acting up----WHYYYY??
Okay, this is what I think--Even before my back started to hurt and I started having the palpitations, etc...I was already starting to panic about whether or not I would be prepared to run this marathon. After being sick for so long and not feeling properly trained, I started to think, "Should I plan NOW to not run?" Should I plan to just go out there and run as much as I can, knowing that I probably won't make it 26.2 miles? I didn't like the idea of giving myself permission to just give up! This will probably sound silly to most people because it is JUST A MARATHON--but I felt that by not even attempting to run this marathon I would be letting so many people down. I would be letting down everyone who donated money or time to help me with my fundraising. I would be letting down the Beneski Family, my family, the Sundance Kidz--I KNOW--JUST A MARATHON! I kept telling myself (and friends kept telling me the same thing)--YOU'VE RAISED THE MONEY FOR CAMP! Still, I felt guilty even thinking about not doing it, so WHAT TO DO?
As for the starting and giving myself permission to drop out--I had felt so deeply in my heart that I wanted to run this marathon for The Beneski Family, as well as for all of the other kids involved with this amazing place, but I also wanted to run the 26 miles for the 26 people who lost their lives in the horrific Newtown tragedy. I KNOW this sounds crazy, but I kept thinking--"What if I only make it to mile 12 or 15 or...." I wanted to run a mile for EACH of those 26 victims!
So, I think that God stepped in and said, "Maybe a little back pain would be better here than this crazy woman going out there and killing herself by trying to run this 26 miles when she's not really trained to do so---or making herself crazier than she already is by NOT making the 26 miles in memory of the 26 victims!" Yep, that's what I think happened! Now, it's time to "LET IT GO"----
What it boils down to is--I'm NOT running Boston--I DID raise a lot of money for Camp--I'm STILL working on reaching that $10,000 mark--in fact, I'm thinking we may EXCEED that mark!!
As for the rest of the whys--I will not question the whole job issue or any of the other issues on my mind! I will try my best everyday to remember what the Bible teaches us........
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.