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15 Useless Facts Friday

Posted Jan 18 2013 6:53am

I read a few blogs that include features like “15 Things Friday” or “Random Fact Friday.” I very much enjoy those posts for a few reasons:

  1. They are in list form.
  2. They typically make me laugh.
  3. They don’t require me to do much heavy thinking. This is crucial for Friday reads.
  4. I can usually relate to at least 3/15 things and often nod along in agreement throughout the post. “Oh my gosh, you like baby harp seals? I like baby harp seals! Twinsies!”

That’s me on the left. The year was 2009. AND I WAS HOLDING A BABY HARP SEAL.

So today, I thought I’d try to get in on the fun action. My list here is neither cohesive nor informative. Be prepared to learn nothing of value by the end of this post.

1. I love forearm sweat. Not on other people. Not when someone else’s forearm sweat touches me in the locker room. But when I’m in a crazy spin class and I’m heavy breathing and panting and being very beautiful with my mid-spin glow, I get psyched when I glance down and realize I have sweat droplets coating my forearms. It’s easy to work up a sweat on your upper lip, elbow crease or under-boob area. But I feel like you have to really work to get glistening forearms.

2. Nothing is worse than when the comforter part of your bed blanket has fallen to the bottom of the duvet cover. It’s a gradual process, right? One day you realize the blanket isn’t really smooth, and then two days later you look at the made bed and you’re like, “What the bed sheets??” Suddenly the duvet is a flat sack and the fluffy down stuff is in a heap at the bottom, trapped inside the duvet cover. Having to fix that is the worst chore I can imagine. The last time this tragedy occurred, I actually safety pinned the corners of all the layers so everything would stay in place.

That obviously worked well.

Except it didn’t, because our duvet comforter mess situation has returned. At this point, I am more likely to vacate the apartment entirely than I am to fix the bed.

3. Another very frustrating thing in life is when envelopes are sealed really sticky-like and I just cannot open them in a human-like way. This has happened twice this week. I can’t take it anymore. Life is too hard.

This is an envelope I opened this week. The experience brought me close to tears. I am an envelope-ripping savage.

4. I love sneezing. I always feel amazing after I sneeze.

5. Sometimes I think thoughts that are so terribly cruel, I feel like I deserve to be brain-slapped for even having them in my head. I would estimate that 70% of these thoughts occur while riding — or awaiting — public transportation. The other 30% take place in elevators. More specifically, in elevators that stop on every floor…including the second floor.

6. I can never type the word daugther correctly on a keyboard on my first try. I kept it that way here to prove a point: The word I intended to type is “daughter.” My fingers get spastic and they instinctively write daugther. Why is that? Why is this word so unnatural for my sausage stumps?

7. Fill my soup to the brim, Panera! Fill it to the brim or I’m asking for a refund. You could fit at least another dollar’s worth of broccoli cheddar into this cup. So please do it.

Look at all that empty room in the cup. Do you know what you could do with that empty soup cup room? FILL IT WITH MORE SOUP. Damnit, Panera.

8. I think Segways are hilarious. Seeing someone riding a Segway always makes me laugh.

9. I miss “LOST.” But also, I really don’t miss “LOST.” That show was a real emotional investment.

10. The odds of me having a serious hearing problem by the time I’m 28 are pretty high. I listen to my music at such an exhaustingly high decibel that I practically deserve to wear a hearing aid. But come on — if you’re not going to pump Britney at full blast, why even bother?

11. Bejeweled Blitz has made me into a better person. OK, that’s a bit of a stretch. But I am less of a raging anger bomb waiting to go off on the subway because I’m really entertained by lining up those tiny jewels and deciding whether or not to harvest my Phoenix Prism (I never do, except every now and then by accident). Oh, the downtown 6 train is 12 minutes away? NBD, I’ll stand here on the platform playing Bejeweled. Uh oh, we’re making all local stops? We’re delayed because of train traffic ahead of us? We’re being held momentarily by the train’s conductor? Fine by me! More time for Bejeweled.

CHECK OUT MY NEW HIGH SCORE! I don’t know why I thought I’ve been a slacker lately. For every mile I DON’T run, my Bejeweled score gets that much higher! Dream big.

12. I recently rediscovered “Grey’s Anatomy” and I’m really into it. You see, I was obsessed with this show in college. Every Thursday night, my friend Persico would come over when I was done with Kickline practice and we’d sit on my bed, drinking Franzia Sunset Blush out of these massive plastic Phillies cups. And we would watch “Grey’s.”

Here I am with my friend Courtney. This picture perfectly illustrates a typical Thursday night in college. “Grey’s Anatomy” playing on the tube TV in the background and a Phillies cup full of classy vino.

Whether Denny was dying that week or not (RIP forever, sweet Denny), I inevitably cried during every single episode. Then, I would slap some makeup on, pound another cup of the boxed stuff and we’d go to the bar. Then, when I got home at 3 AM, I would research the music from that episode, download every song and add it to my very special “Grey’s Anatomy Music” playlist.

Here I am with Persico. Sittin’ on the dock of the bed, watching the Grey’s roll away… Also of note: I do not look sober. Probably had a few of those Phillies cups downed by this point.

But then the show got weird.

Izzie started having sex with the ghost of Denny’s past. So I gave up on “Grey’s,” because sleeping with ghosts just hits too close to home, you know? That’s as real as TV gets.

So I stopped watching the show and never missed it or thought about it.

But at some point over these past few weeks, I found “Grey’s” again. Izzie is gone, now. Meredith is still really annoying and Sloan and Lexie are with Denny. And the show is kind of amazing. It still has that uncanny ability to make me cry those big blubbery tears.

That’s all about that point.

13. My stomach has been an absolute mess this week. Everything I eat is tearing me apart and I haven’t been running because of it. Interestingly, I’m not too concerned or stressed about it.

Sunrise picture. Makes me temporarily forget about the pain in the digestive system.

14. Every time I read a correction in The New York Times — and there are plenty of them — I feel better about myself. I used to worry so much about making mistakes at work. Early on, I made a few big mistakes. Big to me, at least. I cried over them. I lost sleep over them. I apologized profusely for them.

There is a massive difference between 3 minutes and 90 minutes. But if The Times doesn’t care, none of us should care.

Now, years later, not only am I less terrified of screwing up, I’m also more excited about taking risks. Mistakes happen in every industry. We’re only human, after all.

15. Last night, as I was walking into my apartment building behind a dog and its owner, I thought to myself, “You know, Self, you always see all these dogs walking around the building. They’re in the elevators and they’re outside being cute. But you know what, Self? You never see any cats walking around these parts. This must be a popular building for dogs and not cats.”

Then…my next thought…

“Oh God, you are so stupid. Obviously you don’t see cats. Cats don’t walk around on leashes. They stay confined to their cushy apartments. Never think again, Self. Give your brain a rest.”

And now, 15 points later, I feel like we all know each other a little bit better.

EXCEPT NOT, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW YOU: Tell me a random fact about yourself! A fleeting thought. A favorite food. A hilarious anecdote.

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