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You asked? I answered…Let’s talk about sexuality in the 21st century baby!

Posted Mar 09 2010 7:30am

 

 

I get to do this every day. This is my life.

 

Observing, asking the questions, and like a pit bull on you’re a@#, not letting go until I get an answer.

 

I like to think I am a Love Detective. Some people say Doctor…but I don’t cure anyone. I am not prescribing a cure all or shoveling out happy pills to cover it all up.

 

No, I uncover.

 

It drives my friends crazy.

 

Whenever we are out, I can be talking while not missing a word of the conversation next to me. I can read a couples body language and gage their level of intimacy and happiness, all the while never skipping a beat in my own circle of friends.

 

Yes, going out is my petri dish…and the people who are out around me? My subjects…

 

 However, I am my main subject.

 

Me-

 

With all the experiences and the failures and the growth and the lessons and mostly, the desire to not give up until I understand myself more.

 

It is pretty common that when I am out and someone new is in the circle and asks me what I do, that I get questions.

 

 

Most the time I am quick with answers. Sometimes I have to admit I have no idea. Those are the questions I like the most…the ones that make me search.

 

Sunday I was asked a question, and it has taken me until now to start to uncover the answer, or at least part of it.

 

I have been asked this question more than once this month from readers…

 

I had a guy ask me what I thought about how the dynamics have shifted between men and women these days. Especially, the women of my generation. The 30 something’s…even the late 20 something’s.

 

Specifically, he was asking in terms of sexuality.

 

I had to think about that one.

 

So…like I always do, I did a self-examination…and not the kind you are thinking;)

 

First off, my opinion is we are all pretty screwed in this country when it comes to sexuality…and I don’t mean that literally.

 

We grow up, going through puberty, hoping to catch the slight glimpse of a breast through the scrabbled playboy channel on cable…while people in other countries are laying nude on a beach from birth.

 

Every message we receive is that it is somehow wrong, dirty, shameful…so we hide it…”IT” being the natural way we are supposed to be.

 

We are slathered in guilt from our first breath, yet bombarded with media and in your face sex at the same time.

 

 Screwed.

 

I have a theory. Where there is suppression there is regression.

 

We don’t move forward.

 

Oh, we try. In our magazines and music and video games and fashion.

 

But do we truly believe in what we are selling?

 

Not for a second. We are a nation of hypocrites.

 

 If a woman enjoys sex, she is still a whore.

 

If a man enjoys sex, he is still a stud.

 

Men and women still buy into the lie that was created centuries and centuries ago- birthed from the fragile ego of man….

 

Hate to say it, but it is the truth.

 

Men have never been able to handle a woman who matches their sexuality.

 

Obvious as to why…

 

The male ego is much, much more fragile than the female ego. The male ego can’t handle the thought that on top of survival, protection and providing-

 

Their sexual prowess might not be enough.

 

So men and men alone created the divide.

 

The woman you sleep with and the woman you marry.

 

I just read about a study-

 

Both men and women were shown porn, individually of course. They were hooked up to machines that were able to measure the precise point in which arousal took place in them both.

 

After the experiment- they were taken into a room and individually questioned.

 

When the men were asked “ At what point do you feel you became aroused?”, the men answered , “within the first 10 seconds.”

 

When the same question was asked of the women? Most of the women answered either “Not at all” or “towards the end.”

 

What were the actual test results?

 

The men and the woman were less than 1 ½ seconds apart in arousal. And when was it for both of them? Right after the first ten seconds.

 

Women have so many generations of the “story” engrained in their heads that they don’t even know when and what they feel anymore.

 

That is so, so sad.

 

What does that have to do with today?

 

Mix the suppression of sexuality with the in your face sex of today, with the reality that women have been hitting a brick wall for centuries trying to make men into what they want them to be, with the ability for women to now provide for themselves and you now have the MODERN WOMAN.

 

One whom like a pendulum, has gone from one extreme to the other.

 

 

One whom in the instant gratification society we live in, has learned she gets better results with lust than love.

 

When women gave up the manipulation of having to feign love and attraction for survival- it all began to unravel like a loose thread from a sweater.

 

It was a deal we both struck with each other. Women would play their part and have a roof over their heads and the life they wanted and men would provide and hold the key to the locked door of the box they placed their women in.

Manipulation for manipulation.

 

And so we are where we are today, people wandering around a bit lost. A bit confused.

 

Not even close to the ways of our parent’s generation, yet not particularly comfortable with the ways of our own.

 

Remember that feeling when you would go roller skating as a child? When you finally stopped skating along the sides of the rink, close enough to be able to grab the railing? Wobbly and in every second almost wiping out, weaving in and out of the oncoming skaters, finally making it to the middle of the rink…

 

It was exhilaration in the form of freedom yet a feeling of complete vulnerability.

 

Some days I feel like that.

 

I hold beliefs that sex is a sacred experience. It is a soul experience.

 

My views on sex are this-

 

It is like drinking… you can either have Korbel or Cristal. Both are going to give you the result you are looking for. It just comes down to what you are willing to settle for- the least or the best.

 

 

I am not willing to settle. Ergo, there are times in my life that I mimic a camel. I store my experiences and go through the desert until the next. And sometimes that is a very, very long drought.

 

We are all different, and I do not judge a persons choices. I do not buy into the labels and boxes.

 

But, I am concerned for the woman who uses her sexuality without owning it.

 

The one that becomes the intimacy junkie…exchanging true intimacy for one time hits in order to feel a faux love.

 

I am concerned for the man that can now just stand around and have it come to him on a silver platter. The challenge no longer offering the resistance men need to grow and evolve.

 

Simply my observations…my honest look into the question I was asked and the thoughts that arrived from asking that question.

 

What do you think? Are we more lost than we have ever been or closer to the truth than we have ever been.

 

I believe we are closer to the truth…

 

 

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