Kiki Anniston Reveals: “The "Secret Reason" Why Women Are Mostly Attracted To Jerks, Players and Just Plain Dangerously Wrong Guys.”
An open letter to single women frustrated with their repeated attraction to wrong guys...
Can I ask you something personal?
Or a guy who made you feel bad about yourself, but for some reason you couldn’t leave him? (Of course, that same guy, at times, also made you feel like you were the only person on this planet - you know, that “hot-cold” type).
And have you ever walked into a club and found yourself so attracted to one particular guy, you felt like you were in a trance and literally couldn't stop making eyes with him?
If you answered yes to any of the above, it may be a sign that you, like most women, are susceptible to a certain “dangerous personality type” that psychiatrists have a SCARY sounding name for, which I'll tell you about in a sec...
...But first, I want you to quickly read through the following list of personality traits and jot down the ones that apply to either the guy you’re dating now or guys you’ve typically dated in the past:
Do any of these personality traits describe someone you've dated or are dating?
If you answered yes, then you may be as surprised as I was to learn that all 18 traits are actually “clinical traits” of a sociopath (Source: Psychopathy Checklist-Revised, PCL-R; Hare,1991, 2003)... and IF you’ve dated guys with these traits, chances are YOU are attracted to or involved with a SOCIOPATH... yikes!
4) Dyssocials are characterized by an inability to abide by normal rules
Okay, now getting back to MY story...
It used to be that when I went out, I'd often find myself attracted to one particular guy (and not necessarily the best looking one in the room) where all we had to do was make eye contact and it was INSTANT SPARKS… almost like some invisible magnetic energy was drawing us to each other…
Every time this happened, I thought what I was feeling was PASSION…or love at first sight... little did I know that I was deeply attracted to sociopathic personality types because of MY OWN dysfunctional psychology.
You see, although I've never really had any trouble meeting attractive, successful, sweet guys… I usually didn't feel attracted to them. I always found myself saying there’s "no passion"… or they were too nice or boring.
I now know that my concept of passion was really my addiction to the wrong type of guys…It turns out I was addicted to emotional highs and lows that sociopaths bombarded me with that keep me hooked... in “normal healthy relationships”, there tends to be a more steady emotional ride and you don’t feel the intensity of the highs and lows you're used to and, therefore, think there's something wrong or missing.
I was amazed to learn that our brains actually become physically addicted to emotional intensity and the more we subject ourselves to roller coaster relationships of hot and cold intensity, the more addicted we get (just like a drug). This happens especially to those of us who grew up with a lot of “dysfunction” in the home.
And, of course, that’s why these encounters always led to unfulfilling relationships where I constantly felt anxious, got manipulated and strung along...
I didn't understand why this was happening to me and a friend of mine recommended I go see a therapist, so I did. Well, it didn’t take long my therapist to reach a very common conclusion – I had a codependent personality (which apparently explained everything)...
It turns out that because codependents like to live through or for others, have a strong need to “fix” people and tend to seek out relationships where we can play a victim role…
...and because sociopaths are so full of themselves and thrive on controlling and manipulating others, when us codependents and a sociopath get together, it’s like nitro and glycerin – BOOM!
Bottom line: I knew if I didn’t do something about this immediately, I would continue downward on the destructive spiral that I was already on.
Can you guess what I did?
Now you may be wondering how a nice girl like me developed a codependent personality...
Well, I figured this out too...
It turns out that it's extremely common for children of alcoholics and addicts to be diagnosed as codependent because codependency stems from being abandoned (or abused) as a child and alcoholics and addicts essentially abandon their kids for their addictions.
I learned so much about myself and what made me tick, but at the same time, I was feeling lonely and for the first time, I really dreamed of being a great relationship... BUT, I realized that you will NEVER have a normal, healthy relationship unless you re-learn how to date.
Think about it, after a lifetime of being codependent, you date like a codependent. Everything you did was to attract the “wrong guy”… and all the traits you were looking for and thought you were attracted to were traits of the “wrong guy”… and even though you may have achieved control over your codependency, you’ll continue to put yourself in the same situation because you approach dating as your old codependent self. It would be like an alchoholic fresh out of AA going into a bar every night for a cup of coffee! Not going to work!
So how do you start from scratch and “learn” to date all over again, only this time, the healthy way?
I eventually found myself feeling ready to try my hand at dating again. Even though I was totally aware of my condition, I was still attracting the jerk/player type! What on earth was I doing wrong? Even with my new self awareness, I couldn’t understand why I was back where I started.
I discussed this with my therapist and she identified that indeed I had to throw out a lifetime of experience and behavior to acquire a new healthy mindset towards dating.
At first it was a bit daunting, but then I got excited about the concept of starting all over again. I mean, who wouldn’t want a second chance?
Well, after reading numerous dating and self help books including “The Rules”, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, “Why You’re Still Single” and "Why Men Love Bitches"... one book in particular really stood out from the rest. It's called “Catch Him and Keep Him” and it’s not your typical guide on how to meet guys. This book reveals incredibly valuable and "original" insights into the differences between the way a man's mind and a woman's mind works when it comes to dating and attraction. It was so "eye opening", it changed my entire mindset about how to approach dating and men...
The minute I started reading Christian Carter's book, it was as if this book was written just for me. It completely blew me away! Everything he wrote just made sense. There's just too much to explain here, so I've posted one of his newsletters on my site so you can see for yourself what I mean: read sample newsletter
You have to agree, it's a totally different approach than just relying on your heart and your urges. And the fact that it's written by a guy makes it even that much more "eye opening". It really helped me change my approach to dating, and I'm happy to say, I’ve met and fallen in love with Michael - a wonderful and beautiful man who treats me really well.
Yes, I still feel sometimes like I don’t deserve him. I’ve shared all of these things with him and he accepts me faults and all. So I want you to know that there really is hope...
Based on my experience, here are the three critical steps you must take to eliminate these "dead ends" from your life :
1) Get Out Of The "Denial" And Out Of Your "Situation" :
2) Seek Expert Help:
3) Change Your Approach:
Okay, I gotta run... I'm busy writing some more stuff to share on this site soon.
P.S. Feel free to CONTACT ME at kiki@TakeBackYourHeart.com if you have any stories you'd like to share. I promise to write you back personally.