Health knowledge made personal
Join this community!
› Share page:
Go
Search posts:

When We Don't Orgasm

Posted Jan 27 2009 7:15pm
There are tons of blogs written by women who are very sexual. They/we have orgasms, multiple orgasms, clitoral orgasms, vaginal orgasms, varietal orgasms and on and on. I have yet to read a post by a woman who says she does not orgasm. I think that given the statistics, there are probably tons of women out there who are not experiencing them, but who are not comfortable admitting to it, much less blogging about it in, what they think, is a sea of orgasmic women. My fear is that in reading all these blogs and accounts of all these women being so orgasmic, that these hidden women will feel that there is something "wrong" with them.

I love my orgasms, I celebrate them and my body, have on this blog and will write more about them. And there have been times in my life when I don't have/do/be them as often, or my body experiences them in different ways. If I am stressed or depressed then my sexual self shuts down. Although I tried not to talk about it too much on here, and even stopped writing for awhile, the Fall was a very difficult period for me. When all of life is topsy turvy and pain takes over about every brain cell I have, I tend to go internal, into my cave and lick my wounds like a she-lion will. Sex is the last thing on my mind.

Fall was dismal- I did not self pleasure very often, when my history is to do so just about every day. I could not feel my yoni, felt no Life Force running through me. If I had an orgasm, it usually wasn't in the (very few) love making sessions that were with my Loverman. My guess is we all go through cycles in life. And if someone hasn't gone through a cycle of ebbing in their sexual flow, then it probably means they just aren't old enough yet and probably will.

I think of the subtle, and not so subtle, pressure we have to orgasm. Many women fake it for a variety of reasons, the primary one being that we are ashamed that we are somehow "flawed" because our bodies don't work like a porn queen (who...hello...is probably faking it). I have heard women having shame about not experiencing clitoral orgasms, only vaginal. Or vice versa. Or women who have wonderful clitoral ones that are huge; but then they are not ready to orgasm again, done for the evening like many men are and seeing this as "wrong" because "isn't every woman capable of being multi orgasmic?"

So now, along with having body issues because of: size, shape, skin texture, are we old, are we fit, are we yadayada ad infinitum, we can also have something to criticize ourselves about if we don't orgasm or we don't do multiple orgasms.

__________________________________

I used to be a guest lecturer at a university class on Women's Health issues. I was brought in to talk about orgasm and Tantra. Feedback to the professor, then me, was that about 50% of the women said that listening to me changed their sex lives. I think it was because the message was simple:

Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Play. FEEL.

Questions:

Does the simple act of touching feel good in and of itself?

If you have a partner you adore and who adores you...when the two of you look into each other's eyes and feel deep exquisite intimacy that transcends time and space...does this feel good in the moment and just for itself? Does it have to be anything other than what it is?

What do you think orgasms will bring you that you don't already have? Is there a possibility that sex can be a joyous encounter without them? If not, why not?

The first suggestion I give to women who are questioning the way they experience orgasm is to set aside a period of time (week, month?) when you and your partner will agree to not try to orgasm. That's right, rules are: no orgasms. You will just play. Play without any agenda except to feel and enjoy yourselves and each other and be happy. Laugh. Laugh lots- at yourself; at the situations that come up; and especially when you get into a "serious" situation...laugh.

Listen to yourself. Tune in...Do you feel safe here? Does your body feel safe? Are you willing to let go of your normal monkey chatter brain and go inward and listen...REALLY listen to your body speak to you, hear it, believe it, then act on what it tells you it needs? Do you feel you have a right to ask for what you want? Do you feel you have a right to say "no?" To anything/everything? Do you really want to be here? Do you need to ask for something?

I believe the body has a wisdom and that it knows how to bring everything we want. We have lost the ability to listen to it...never learned how in this land of TV and Playstation. The things that seem like, or present themselves, as "challenges" are actually our greatest gifts if we choose to look at them and learn from them.

So...if you are not experiencing orgasms in the ways you want to...what do you think your body is trying to teach you? Do you think you can reframe your experience from being one of your body as "enemy" to listening to it, embracing it as friend and Teacher and learn what it is trying to tell you? And remember: Please, be easy with yourself.

And for the lover in your life...

If you are in relationship with a woman who does not experience orgasms in the ways you think you want her to or according to some movie, blog you have read or whatever, please: love her just as she is and do not take it personally. Enjoy her now- her body, her smells, the way she touches you, all of her. Try to understand what it is about you that might be bringing expectations on her to be anything other than who she is and figure those out for yourself.

You are fine in bed. The two of you may get to take a journey where you learn more about her unique landscape. I know you are trying to help in the best way you know how to, but please be sure that you are aware of the times when you feel like you might not be "doing it right" and need to have that reassurance from her that you are an OK lover. If something you are doing is "not working" it often means that things need to shift, not to try harder. Please don't say things like, "come on, baby, come for me, doesn't that feel good?," etc. I am orgasmic...but...if I am with a lover who needs me to orgasm to prove HE is a good lover, my body shuts down like right NOW. This has nothing to do with you, any more than if you having Erectile challenges has anything to do with your woman. Our sexual ways and issues are about us.

Learn to touch her with all your consiousness in your hands. Learn to go slowly, to take your time, to just enjoy playing, feeling, loving yourself, then loving her in all the ways she loves you.

And finally, as a reminder- play. Love yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Feel.
Post a comment
Write a comment:

Related Searches