The most requested, most popular post on the new or old blog. I think it deserves a rerun today.
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When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You
It’s hard but it happens.
And it hurts.
You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time.
You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there’s not.
You love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way and isn’t going to feel the same way.
You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love.
This person loved you and you loved them and then someone new came along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way. But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.
Whatever the situation, you’re left with a big pile of hurt. And it really hurts.
You go over your exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right? What should you have done that you didn’t? What did you do that you shouldn’t have?
You feel rejected and less than. You feel as if there is something really wrong with you. You wonder what you could do to MAKE this person want you.
It’s frustrating if they are with a new person who doesn’t come close to being what you are. You seethe because this new person is a snake in the grass and your ex doesn’t see it. This new person is immature or unavailable or spoiled or just plain stupid. And your ex is enthralled none the less. What?
Or there is no one else and nothing else. This person just fell out of love one day. Or failed to fall in love on the day you did. That’s even more baffling. Wait. You’re choosing NOTHING over me? What?
Or your ex has spiraled into some other mindset. They’re depressed or upset or self-absorbed in some way. Wouldn’t you want someone to help carry the burden, you ask.
The answer is please leave me alone.
You’re freaking out. How is it that they want you to help by going away? WHAT?
The first emotion is disbelief. How can this be? How did I get here? How am I hurting over this person? Maybe your personality is draining away…you used to be fun and helpful and have a great sense of humor. Now you’re plain and dull and you’re boring all your friends with your sad refrain of unrequited love.
Part of you refuses to believe it. It CAN’T be so. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I’ll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.
Better yet, I will change things. I will call him or her or text him or her. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will persuade them that this is all wrong.
In the beginning it’s hardest to NOT do anything. You’re having trouble absorbing the news and the reality and before you feel the feelings of that reality you’re going to do your damndest to make it different or refuse to believe it.
Take your time but believe it. Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something. And that’s because you are.
Next come the feelings. You feel hurt, anger, betrayal. You feel rejected and less than. Your self-esteem is taking a hit from the feeling of rejection.
You might feel like a loser and begin to wonder how you can turn yourself into the person that this person will love.
Your mind may race with ideas. I’ll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won’t complain so much. I won’t rock the boat. I’ll like the insufferable family and friends that I couldn’t stand. I’ll go back to school. I’ll stop going to school. I’ll wear different clothes. I’ll buy a new car. I’ll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I’ll work in a different industry. I’ll muzzle my kids. I’ll clean more. I’ll clean less. I’ll cook gourmet meals. I’ll listen when spoken to. I’ll go to bed earlier. I’ll go to bed later. I’ll go to church. I’ll stop going to church. I’ll pray. I’ll bargain with God. I’ll help the poor. I’ll devote myself to the eradication of world hunger. I’ll give my next paycheck to the church. I’ll join the Peace Corps. I’ll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I’ll be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to be. I’ll do it all. I’ll do nothing. I’ll be more. I’ll be less. I’ll be everything and anything other than what I’m being right now. I’ll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it.
Stop right there. Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing whatever deity you believe in. Forget about changing your whole life just so this narrow-minded little bonehead will love you. FORGET IT.
Every relationship is a learning experience. We learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because YOU found them unattractive or irritating.
What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren’t in a relationship) that could improve? Think about it. Journal about it. Think about ways to change it. But DON’T change things in yourself just because this person didn’t like it. Maybe this person has no taste or doesn’t know a thing. Don’t think of changing for another person. Only change for you. It’s OKAY to accept someone’s constructive criticism if it’s spot on and will help you in the end, but if not, just REJECT IT.
When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn’t love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won’t or can’t love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn’t attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem. It’s a rejection no matter how you slice it. And it’s a rejection that stings.
The first thing you need to do is to take it in stride. Easier said that done? Yes. Everything is easier said than done so that phrase is meaningless.
Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment to go in that direction: THE HELL WITH THEM.
It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER. And his or her ridiculous standards of measurement. Perhaps this person doesn’t know what he or she is losing. Perhaps this person has NO IDEA how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life.
That is their problem, not yours. You don’t want anyone who doesn’t think you are the end-all, be-all of lovers. You just don’t want them. They are stuck in some goopy substance that does not allow them to move off their position and see how great you are. That is their problem and their loss.
You have to see that the rejecter should be rejected. Do you want someone without vision? Without appreciation of all that you are and all that you can be? No, you do not. You want someone who loves you and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them. If this person doesn’t get that, then the hell with this person.
Stop talking to him or her. Stop trying to convince them otherwise. Stop waitng around for him or her to “get it.” The hell with anyone who doesn’t get it.
Or another possibility is that this person does recognize your value and how great you are but they are not in a place where they can be in a relationship. Maybe they’re not over their previous relationship. Maybe their life choices (home, job, school) are up in the air. Maybe it’s not about you in any way. It still hurts but this is something you can’t change. Even if you think that if the shoe was on the other foot YOU wouldn’t let such a catch get away, it doesn’t work that way for everyone. Some people simply can’t get there from here. Let them be. It’s not the right time and there is nothing you can do about it. Gently let it go. It’s hard and it hurts but gently let it go.
The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you. That hurts and that stings. And that is not what love is all about. Don’t sit around waiting for this person to want you. Reject anyone who doesn’t want you. They are not worth it. The first prerequisite for love is to be mutual. Otherwise it’s not okay. Reject the rejecter.
Stephen Levine once said, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”
Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it.
And until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and YOURSELF. You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you.
Because who knows what (or who) you are missing as you roll around in the mud with this numbskull. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.
GET READY for true love, real love, lasting love. Get ready for a relationship with yourself and THEN a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who WILL come into your life once you learn to value YOU. And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter. The hell with it.
Be good to yourself. Today and always. In a relationship or out of a relationship. Be good to you.
Do your affirmations.
Tell yourself that mr. or ms. right is OUT THERE and he or she will value you for the person you are. In the meantime work on whatever needs working on. Have your feelings…let them out…write about them, talk about them but allow yourself the feelings. Don’t contact this person who does not value you. Be grateful it did not go any further. Be glad you are letting go of someone who doesn’t value you. Their presence will not soften the hard road. Their presence will just make things harder and THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT IN A PARTNER.
In a partner we want someone to share life’s sorrows and joys. We want someone who is there day in and day out. If this person can’t handle us without a big problem in our lives, why would we think they could handle it? They can’t.
Let them go and hold on and hold out for someone who loves you for you. There IS that person out there. Mr. or Ms. Right will never question your value. Will never not love you unconditionally. If this person has rejected you in some way, he or she is NOT the one for you.
You might think this person is perfect in every way. No this person is not. Because this person doesn’t WANT you and the person who is perfect for you will want to be with you. Not wanting you and not appreciating you and the value you bring to someone’s life is NOT a little thing. It’s a big thing. And if this person doesn’t love you and doesn’t want you and doesn’t appreciate you, then they are not perfect and their flaw is a fatal flaw and you need to reject the rejecter. You must.
If you’re trying to “win” in some way, ask yourself why? Does this go back to childhood? Are you trying to win over a cold and rejecting parent or caretaker? Are you trying to prove your self-worth by showing the world that someone else wants you?
Journal about the things you are trying to “win” over. Journal about how locked into this struggle you are. Is it really about this person and this period in time or does it go way way way back? Stop re-injuring yourself. Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that you are worth it. The hell with all the rejecters.
Do the Relationship Inventory in the book . Do the Life Inventory. Do the Parent Inventory. It is through these inventories that the answer will come to you and allow you to change the dance steps you are doing.
Even if you love this person, this person does not love you….and the person for you will love you. Deeply and Completely.
It is possible.
In the meantime you MUST MUST MUST be good to you and know your value and understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside.
Be good to you.
Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.
Celebrate the you that is you.
And know that the right person for you is out there.
~ Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed. Copyright 2007 All rights reserved. You may NOT copy this post in whole or in part without the explicit permission of the author. You may copy and excerpt and provide a link back to this page. Thank you.
For more tips, techniques and ways to heal and become whole please see the book Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You (DaCapo 2009). Click here to order: ORDER
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I get something different out of this every time I read it. Thank you for reposting Susan. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!