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When damaged people marry, they ...

Posted Sep 13 2008 12:22am

When damaged people marry, they begin to resent their partner for not making them whole. - Robin Norwood

From the movie “Jerry McGuire” came the phrase “you complete me.” But, the truth of the matter is that no other person can complete us when we are incomplete and damaged and have not dealt with that damage.

We cannot leave to someone else, the work that is our own.

We cannot rush into relationships hoping to keep our mind off the fact that we are damaged or need more to be complete. We will never find that completeness through another person or a relationship or a job or a situation.

The only way we can find a way out of the past, a way to be complete, is through our own work.

When we refuse to do this work, we place an incredible burden on others, usually other people who are also damaged and think they can avoid their own damage by taking care of us.

What happens next is that both resent the other for not doing what is impossible to do. Both people want impossible things from the other, not knowing and not recognizing, that their cry is really, “FIX ME.” and that no one else can do that. Soon resentment over the partner’s “other” failures start to form and the relationship is hurtling toward doom. Neither recognizes that the issue is the aching hole in the soul of each that only they can rectify by doing their own work.

Hurt people hurt people and until each person deals with his or her own hurt, the hurting continues. Do your work. Repair the damage. Complete yourself and you will meet other complete people and have loving relationships.

Susan J. Elliott 12/14/06

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