When any of us gives and gives to another person who is not responding in kind, we usually do so because we do not trust that we will be able to establish and maintain a relationship with that other person on our own merit. When any of us gives and gives to another person, it really amounts to an unacknowledged bribe. ~ Robin Norwood
When we give and give and it is not appreciated, in fact the other person starts to back away, consciously or unconsciously sensing our manipulation, we become upset and indignant.
This view of things keeps us in the victim role…the one who is always being taken advantage of…the one who gave and gave and received nothing, not even appreciation, in return.
We THINK we’re being generous, but we’re not. We’re taking people hostage or trying to take people hostage, with over the top giving.
We refuse to just be “us” out there, fearing rejection, so we “stack the deck” (as Norwood calls it) by giving and giving but then it doesn’t pay off and we’re indignant and upset and thinking our ex the worst person in the world. We were rejected anyway…
It’s patently unfair to operate this way. It’s unfair to us and unfair to our ex.
We might give materially
we might give too much time
we might expend energy trying to save someone from themselves
or trying to save someone from their life or their problems.
Whatever we do, it’s over the top giving…it’s holding someone hostage and it’s a losing proposition almost all the time.
Our strength in relationships has to be who we are. And if someone rejects THAT, well then the hell with them. But when we are too afraid to even be who we are, we are going to attract others who cannot be who they are.
When we want to give without asking for something in return we will either attract leeches that we get sick of or people who begin to sense the hostage taking and instinctively back away.
Giving and giving in relationships is never going to work if it is not reciprocated.
Give to YOU and learn to give to from your heart, not from your insecurity.