While the rest of the world is freezing its ass off, here in Northern California we're having lovely Spring weather. It's warm but not too. It's chilly at night so wonderful walking weather in the morning. The sun is shining, a gentle breeze blows. Yes...perfect Spring weather...
Except...wait a minute here...um...it isn't Spring!!!
It's bloody JANUARY and we aren't getting any rain!!!!!!
This is not good. If anyone is doing rain dances these days, please send them our way. I shudder to think of this year's fire season. Oh...I forgot...we no longer have a fire season here in California because we're becoming a beautiful-in-winter tinderbox--it's always high fire alert. Can't wait until we become mummies in the fucking heat next summer because there's not a drop of water to drink. Time for wine?
Which brings me to my next topic, a TMI one.
Now you may be wondering why wine leads into this whine, but when I drink it, I can't sleep. In fact, I'm not even sleeping well without it. Why the hell didn't anyone tell me that insomnia was a sign of perimenopause...or the stage I think I'm now in of no longer "peri?"
And why the fuck don't they advertise these hot flash thingies more? My GAWD, why doesn't someone dooooo something about this!!! These last two weeks have been an eye opener, indeed. While I don't do the painful surge of fire through the body thingie I hear of, I now wear layers because I'm alternately cold, comfy, then sweating profusely. Like dripping in one of our Northern California 110F days. WTF? I'm trying my best to consider them mini-cleanses, but please...am I really that toxic?
This sucks budgies...and a friend of mine told me she's been getting them for nine years. Forget that noise. Hormones. I'm definitely getting myself some o' them bio-identicals as soon as I can.
And, to add insult to injury, my eldest will be 30 on Saturday. I will be the mother of a 30 year old. Jeebus.
Other aspects of life not so tied to bodily functions and obligatory whining:
I am, as previously noted, still in Northern California. Loverman is (hopefully, temporarily) down south with his family. I miss him lots. He doesn't text or call me nearly as much as I think he should :) but he's so sweet when he does and I feel loved. I think overall he's OK. We are hoping that he will be back up here soon.
In the meantime, I have been the Continuing Queen of Ambivalence, wondering if I should stay up here or go back down south. I have a number of offers and options from family and friends. I feel so loved, so lucky, so abundantly Blessed. I can't believe my two older girls. They both beg me to live with them and when I'm with one, the other pouts. Can't tell you how much that feeds my ego. I find it really funny that while many parents my age are trying to kick their kids out of their houses, my kids want me to live in theirs.
My Dear One, A, is on break so we've been walking in the morning. We've been chatting lots about love and relationship (as we often do). I love hearing of her poly adventures. She also reads lots. The latest one is all about love and fear. No new information for either of us, but it's always fun to go deeper into the ideas and watch how they play out in our lives.
The one I love is how I can feel so "unfaired against," so "right" in shutting myself off in hurt when things don't go my way or my ego is tweaked. The fear of feeling the pain of rejection and abandonment is so huge that I shut down my heart, erecting walls to protect myself. This leads to pushing others away. I end up creating that which I didn't want because usually in those highly charged situations the other is in the same emotional state.
This really isn't who we are...it's our fears speaking/acting/protecting. Love, openness, compassion can find no door until one or the other regains themself and steps outside their hurts/stories/pain.
Then, while driving today, a new motto came to me:
In regards to relationship: when in fear, shit happens.