My ex and I broke up about a month ago and I still get very depressed about it. We were dating for about three months but in that time period I fell for him. My family and friends can't understand why I miss him because they believe he treated me so terrible. Many of them suggested that I was with an emotionally abusive person. A part of me cannot understand it either. My ex-boyfriend was like a Jekyll and Hyde character. He was either the best boyfriend or the worst boyfriend. He did a lot of really great things for me. However, he had serious personality to flaws.
He was preoccupied with hurting my feelings and making me cry. He would pretend breakup with me and then laugh about it. But he would get upset because I wouldn't cry. This response forced me to withold my tears out of fear that he would get some sort of enjoyment out of it. Toward the end of our relationship, he would comment on other girls. One time he even told me he had spent the day with his ex and she had went to his house. When I had got upset about it, he began to laugh and told me that he was only joking. Another time we were out to dinner and he showed me a picture of a girl on his phone and told she thought she looked good. When he saw that I was upset, he asks me what's wrong but I don't understand why someone would do something like that in the first place. When we first got together, everything that I did was right but toward the end I couldn't do anything right. I was fat. I wasn't pretty enough. My hair wasn't long enough and I couldn't dress. When he finally, did break up with me he told me he wanted to do so for some time but he was afraid I would try to hurt myself (I had a cutting problem when we met but he had convinced me not to do it again and I haven't since!) However, he decided to come back two weeks later flaunting his new sports car! He was showing it off and acting like he didn't just break up with me two weeks earlier.
I was wondering if my lack of emotion contributed to this. Was it me or is this who he is? I was also wondering if this change was because he was seeing someone else.
Thank you for your advice. I found it really helpful and I will definitely seek out help from a therapist about my issues with my self-esteem. This is something I have sought out but I wasn't ready for it then but I believe I'm ready now.
You have clearly described what kind of person he is — a person who acts in manipulative and hurtful ways. Some people have described that kind of behavior as bullying. It is unlikely that anything you could possibly do would have any impact on the parts of him that need to make someone else feel inferior in order for him to feel that he is ok.
Your behavior may have invited mistreatment. Bullys often choose people who already feel somewhat badly about themselves to victimize. Your old cutting problem is a sign that you need to do some work to feel better about yourself. A counselor or therapist or support group can help a lot. It is important that you learn to care enough about yourself that you never put up with mistreatment again — from anyone.
From my professional perspective, you are fortunate that this relationship has ended. Relationships like this often move from emotional to physical abuse if they continue.
Do continue to persue your own growth and healing.
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