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we want different types of poly relationships

Posted Jun 09 2009 11:31pm

Dear Dr. Romance:

We are a poly couple that have recently discovered that we want different types of poly relationships. He wants lovers who can lie with us and make a group home. I want lovers who remain a separate relationship from the primary one. We just figured this out after months of fighting and now he says he wants to reconcile that we believe differently and stay with me. But he doesn' t know if he can. So, he' s moving in with his other lover because,"she agrees with me about how things should be"and wants space from me.(this he says is for 6 months) I' m giving him the space but I don' t know what I or he should be doing in the mean time. I take his leaving as a sign that he really wants a monogamous relationship with her. Is it possible to live with this difference?

If you know of a therapist in my area that is like you, can you drop me a line?


Dr Romance responds:

Living with this difference won' t be possible if you' re right about him wanting a monogamous relationship with someone else.  This may be his way of leaving while avoiding a big blowup.   I suggest you take very good care of yourself. I' m not entirely sure he' s being honest, are you? Maybe the moving out "for 6 months" is just a way to end the relationship without a big hassle. On the other hand, I do believe that if both people sincerely want to work out a poly relationship,it can be done.     

I' m afraid I don' t personally know any therapists in your area .The Institute for Marital and Sexual Therapy has a therapist finder Any therapist you try there should have a positive attitude toward sex, but be sure to ask what the therapist' s attitude and experience is about polyamory.  If he or she thinks polyamory is sex addiction, find someone else.  See my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  for more help.  

You might also be interested in my book  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free   It will show you how to bridge differences in your relationship. C & F 3rd Ed cover

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